You think when you're bored

I forgot to share some stories, actually most of them, when I was with her yesterday. I also did not want to react to certain things. I'm not sure if it was just low energy, a bit disappointment bec we didn't catch the 7pm show, or I was just really playing passive on purpose. The movie was the highlight. I don't remember saying anything or hearing anything that's special. We held hands for a long time, that's what I always love. Actually, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy and love the night at all. I guess it was just a bit weird that don't remember the conversation. Plus, usually when we go out, I always have something to share with friends, something that she said in particular. That's how I pay attention when she speaks, that's how I remember her words. Even things that won't interest my friends, I can't help but tell them because really, that's what I remember. I guess I'm just not used to it - that I can't recall our conversation. I also considered the possibility that I wasn't interested with her stories but, I don't think that's it. At one point, I was looking at her and I thought, does this mean I'm loving her less?

It sucks when I think this way. I want to think free - free of doubts, free of fear, free of bad memories. It's hard to do that. It's hard to reach that stage.

Then people would say all these profound things about accepting, moving on, growing up, forgiving etc. Believe me, I've done everything I could think of to find a solution. I just want to feel okay. I want to stop worrying and geting hurt and worrying about getting hurt and getting hurt because I worry.

I want to stop thinking if this is right, if by doing this I look like a fool, if I deserve it, if I'm doing it right, if my efforts are not enough, if I'm not enough... whatever. I want to wake up and go to sleep each day with peace and confidence that later or tom I won't end up crying and feeling crappy. I want to try to be ok and actually achieve that.

I want to stop thinking about this. If could just stop feeling. If could just choose to respond to things that are purely pleasant and ignore those that bring uncertainty into my life.

You know, sometimes you just want it to be sunny without any effort, without any side effects and without any deep history.