P.S.

This blog I posted days after Christmas 2010

Before I mark the and of this amazing week, I think I owe some words for my blog (I’d transfer this to blogspot as soon as I remember my password :p)

For six months, I have felt that 2010 has been the worst year of my life. I would often feel so depressed that I would wonder, in the morning when I’m on my way to work, “Would a bus finally run over me this morning?”

I know, I’m one of those “heavy” people that most humans belittle. I’m not heavy in a deep way, I’m more of the emotionally wrecked type. And really, after all this time, I still have “emotion” on my priority list.

Just recently, I have admitted to my officemates slash new friends that I am gay. (which is quite a given in my opinion). They haven’t asked me about my current relationship status but Reg, one of the new ones in the office, is the only person who has an idea on this.

I refrained from answering Carlo’s queries about my past (since I have told him that I am currently single) and it makes him think that I’m still hurt/affected. It’s kind of funny when he tries to bully me into spilling the beans like “Siguro affected ka kaya ayaw mo pag-usapan” or “If you’re over that person, edi dapat wala lang sayo kahit pag-usapan sya”

I feel like my past relationship happened years ago. IDK exactly why. And yes, I think, it still has some effect on me. I guess I can’t help it since it has been a part of my life. I have held on to it for 1/3 of the years I’ve lived here on Earth.

But it feels weird, not feeling strongly about that person. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. It’s like not wanting potatoes, it’s like not missing home, it’s like I’m not me anymore.

Since 2008, I have often thought of how it feels to reach this stage. Sometimes, at the peak of disappointments, I yearn for numbness just to be able to leave my long running soap.

I can’t explain how different this feels. I’d like to think it’s just maturity or as they say, growing up. I don’t like to see this as numbness. I guess, I feel bad that I didn’t have that ability to make this certain person happy or fall in love deeply. I have tried, for seven years, and this new person comes into her life and I feel that she, the new girlfriend, has done way better than I did. In so many ways, I have felt bad - pride, jealousy, self pity, regret, incompetence, etc etc etc I thought of it a hundred times but then I asked myself, “If given the chance, would you want to make it up to her?” and I felt tiredness. I do not want to measure up to anyone or anything anymore.

Until I stopped worrying. I stopped thinking that I should join the bandwagon on moving on. That you have to be happy and you have to be able to be friends or talk about your ex without your nostrils showing up. That you have to have someone to replace the one who left you. That you have to try not to look sad in a way that people will try to associate your sadness to being single.

The last time I saw her, I admit I was not able to look into her eyes straight. Being in front of her made me feel uncomfortable. It was like having lunch with a new co-worker for the first time or meeting a friend of a friend where they talk and you’re obliged to listen. I kind of felt sad that I was there, sitting in front of someone I used to love so dearly, but at that moment, all I felt was awkwardness; as if I’m in front of someone I do not know. It feels so different to see her after a long time and not feel that longing emotion.

When we were younger, I was sure that I wanted to be friends with her if we break up. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted us to remain special. I don’t know why I stopped wanting to be part of her life. I hated her for neglecting me as a lover but now I feel like I’m allowing myself to throw a part of me away.

I have the guts to blog because a year has just ended. But after this, there’ll be no reason to write about love and relationships. (mmm, that’s so pessimistic, let me try to rephrase) After this, I might not be able to write about love and relationships the way I used to.

I do feel more at peace right now that I do not have to worry about pleasing someone or analyzing each word and monitoring the possibility of cheating etc. I do feel lonely at times when I’m so tired and I couldn’t turn to someone so I could feel warm and fuzzy.

I guess, it feels weird for me not to be in love. I have been holding on to that feeling for seven long-sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad years.

Now, I just want to buy shoes or eat out. Go home early, worry about the family. I’d like to think this does not mean I’m empty. I think I just, finally, followed that change of heart.

This is the longest P.S. I’ve written. I think a 7 year relationship deserves a nice ending but I think it’s just not a priority in our lives right now. This is what I can give as I close this chapter (ngayon lang pala magco-close? late bloomer lang haha) - my sincere and honest words.

In 2011, there’ll be new tags on my blogger account.

:)

Word Diaries 1

Blunt Fest

Is it so hard to be warm to the person you love? You're busy, you're out somewhere, having fun, always doing something. Maybe it isn't love, or there isn't enough love.

Good Friday, Not so Good Morning

It's weird how after several years, from dreaming of a life with you, I started dreaming about being able to live a happy life without you. Yet, I fight to stay with you. I do not want to leave. I do not know why, when I'm alone, I either think of you, or think of me, sometimes think of we. There was a time when it was only "we". I wonder where that part of me went. Well, wherever it is, whatever happens... So be it.

Anti BV

When I think about how you're mean and awful a lot of times and I want not to focus on that, I think of how I love holding your hand in the movies.
When I think about you not wanting me that much, I think of how sad it is if you leave this country or whatever (I don't want to type that =/ right?)

You think when you're bored

I forgot to share some stories, actually most of them, when I was with her yesterday. I also did not want to react to certain things. I'm not sure if it was just low energy, a bit disappointment bec we didn't catch the 7pm show, or I was just really playing passive on purpose. The movie was the highlight. I don't remember saying anything or hearing anything that's special. We held hands for a long time, that's what I always love. Actually, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy and love the night at all. I guess it was just a bit weird that don't remember the conversation. Plus, usually when we go out, I always have something to share with friends, something that she said in particular. That's how I pay attention when she speaks, that's how I remember her words. Even things that won't interest my friends, I can't help but tell them because really, that's what I remember. I guess I'm just not used to it - that I can't recall our conversation. I also considered the possibility that I wasn't interested with her stories but, I don't think that's it. At one point, I was looking at her and I thought, does this mean I'm loving her less?

It sucks when I think this way. I want to think free - free of doubts, free of fear, free of bad memories. It's hard to do that. It's hard to reach that stage.

Then people would say all these profound things about accepting, moving on, growing up, forgiving etc. Believe me, I've done everything I could think of to find a solution. I just want to feel okay. I want to stop worrying and geting hurt and worrying about getting hurt and getting hurt because I worry.

I want to stop thinking if this is right, if by doing this I look like a fool, if I deserve it, if I'm doing it right, if my efforts are not enough, if I'm not enough... whatever. I want to wake up and go to sleep each day with peace and confidence that later or tom I won't end up crying and feeling crappy. I want to try to be ok and actually achieve that.

I want to stop thinking about this. If could just stop feeling. If could just choose to respond to things that are purely pleasant and ignore those that bring uncertainty into my life.

You know, sometimes you just want it to be sunny without any effort, without any side effects and without any deep history.

Speed

Things happen so fast. How fast should it happen? When you say you need time, it takes time - how much time do you really need? How much time before other people say "That's too much" I really don't know.
I take too much time in moving on. I have a hard time forgetting. It's really difficult for me. Now, I hope and pray things happen fast enough (not that days would go by faster, I mean things happen everyday that no day is wasted) so I can outgrow negative thoughts that linger in my head every night.
I hope things would go the way I want them to. Yun lang. I want to leave all these hate behind. People suck. I have to accept that. They don't think, feel, and I act like I do. Ok? I have to deal with that. I have to learn how to deal with that.
I hope someday, when I look at you, I'd remember only the good things.

Alta Presyon

How do I do this? Keri, I stay away. NOT. It's like whatever I do, I still look like an idiot. Even when I do nothing.

False Alarm

I think I was wrong. There wasn't anything, not even a word. So there, it's getting calm again.

Maybe just before this year ends, I'll realize there's a little more room for a little more drama.

Just this evening, of all the other evenings, I forgot my phone at our house in Cubao. My mom's office mate's dad died this morning. I wore a red shirt today and after spending some time in Divisoria this afternoon I decided to put my jeans in the laundry basket and to wear shorts instead. I wasn't dressed appropriately for a wake. That's why when they told me we'd pay a visit to the dead, I rushed to the extra room where all my clothes are and changed. There, I left my cell phone. We weren't even 500 meters away when I realized I had no phone but then, I decided not to go back for it since I've caused enough delay already.

After the visit, my dad suggested we eat somewhere in accordance to the ritual of making "pagpag" after being in a wake. We were all not in the mood to take in more food; I could've just said we go back to Stanford for my phone but I didn't.

When I got home and went on line, I thought of what to post as my Facebook status and this was what came out of my mind:

I forgot my phone. Maybe it's a sign? :)

Yes, with a :) I was trying to make myself feel better because really, I've been thinking of a message from you, or maybe wishing. Christmas came, I managed not to make a move. But just this morning, I was almost sure I can't stand it anymore. I said to myself "Just an email and that's it. Short but meaningful and that's it. I won't say a word if you send a reply."

I forgot my phone, jokingly I asked "is it a sign?" and damnit this happened. Of all days I've waited, it had to happen tonight. My head says loud and clear "it's a sign!" but something in me tells me "what the fuck, you can't stand it in the first place so don't play confused" And really, I don't know. It's just a message, it's just a simple greeting. For old times sake or just to avoid being labeled bitter or whatever. Then again, I've worked so hard to keep myself away from you. For you to not know anything about me. I once failed when I met up with Bea and I told myself, it would be the last thing I'd do to ruin these walls I'm building between us.

I told Pam I'm scared to get hurt with what you might say. If you tell me you're doing fine and you're happy already, it might break my heart. If you tell me you miss me, it would tear me apart. If you tell me anything between those lines or nothing at all, I'd still feel the same shit.

I wish my mind would take a different direction soon. One where I become both peaceful and happy.

The Dead Air Part of the Christmas Air

I think it's the first Christmas in more than five years that failed to make and receive a "Christmas message". And it's all good. We get by. Merry Christmas to you!

Longoverdue

So here we go now.

I got this funny feeling that led one thing to another. That eventually semi-ruined my day and made me realize I should not be getting fat. Blablabla

I was with some old friends yesterday. They both brought their "friends" with them. You know, people they think they might like. One of my friends asked me if I wanted to be "matched" with some girl. I got a bit annoyed. I don't like those things, I don't like being matched, I'm not fond of "getting to know" other people.

For more than a year, I faced the most difficult challenge in my life so far. Some may find it funny, I'm tired of explaining myself so yeah, you can all laugh now. I've said this twice but now, I would type it down: Last October, I felt really tired of things. I didn't know what direction my thesis would take. The data I needed was disposed by the DILG (that reminds me, I should blog about inefficient archiving) and I was running out of time. That day I rush from Q.C. to Manila taking no lunch break, not even a drop of water. I scanned God knows how many books to find some useful data. I went srtaight to Makati to meet Miko and to eat "lunch" at 6:00 p.m. I went home feeling tired of all that happened that day, having a slight fever. Then I saw something when I went online. My heartbeat was so fast it's as if it's palpitating. Like all those days when I saw something that reminds me of what shit I had to go through, when I saw something I begged not to happen, I let it out by saying what I feel. And the one I talked to apparently was tired of me. That was the time I felt the just the same. I was tired too. For years I prioritized relationships because that made me happy. Ang sakit naman kasi, 'yun lang naman yung oras ko para mamroblema sa acads bakit kailangan pang sumama na naman yung loob ko.

And yes, up until now I feel this half-empty, half-full thing. I'm actually thankful. I'm tired of giving everything I can. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of her not wanting me, not avoiding what hurts me. It's sad when I ponder on things and I always realize that I still love her but it doesn't really matter anymore.

"So you just do what you want huh?"

I might be feeling less of this. I may be in love but I'm just not focusing on it.


I hope that one day, I feel nothing when I see your name or your pictures. I hope one day I'll see you and it would feel like just seeing an old friend or school mate. And when I walk by the places where we ate, I'd remember the food and not you; then when I go window shopping, I'd look for what I want to buy instead of thinking I would've bought gifts for you if we were still together. When I plan a home, it would be just mine and no longer ours. The last bite would be mine, I wouldn't have to beg for anything. I may live my life alone, but at least less miserable than sharing you with someone who reminds me of not wanting to wake up in the morning.

You were wrong with me, just the same way that I'm wrong with you.

The nth Summer Morning

I sometimes feel I cannot get through this. I still daydream of things with you, or remember happy moments. Then I think about how you think of me - that what I did was ridiculous, stupid, silly. I do not feel respect in those words. Who did not listen to who? It's too late now. I'm too pissed and frustrated. I did it, you did what was for me, the most painful; and you did not mind. Becuase for you it was not wrong. For you. And for him. It was the only thing important. I do not want to play the arguments all over again. You did not want me to leave but things were never the same again. I do not like how you treat me, think of me, talk to me. I cannot think of anything that makes me want to stay near you except the fact that I (you know what). But everytime I think about you I remember what you did, I question why can't you just do whatever would make me forget, why can't you understand that pain cannot be rationalized and all I want is for you to respect the pain you gave me, that I tried to endure. Respeto lang dun sa six years. I just wanted to live without seeing the very cause of my suffering. But you kept on insisting there was nothing wrong. You did me wrong, why should you set the parameters of what I should feel just because you think "there's nothing wrong"

Bottom line is, as what you've said a few weeks ago, it's too late.

I wish you didn't tell me you didn't want me to leave. It made (and perhaps, makes) me think twice. You are that someone. But again, you have your own life now, own plans and priorities. None of which I am a part of. How can I be your person?

That was my favorite picture of us by the way. I wish we could have stayed together, happy like those days. (Ugh. Shut up.)

Sunday, Aug 30, 2009

I told myself to stay away but I gave in. It may be a good thing. It may be good bye.

And I Close My Eyes

I have to do something. I have to stop feeling something. I have to stop getting hurt. I have to stop thinking.

Tom, I will watch Up again in 3D.

I will spend my money for myself. I will spend time with friends. I don't care if it means drinking vodka and beer at high noon. Oh yes!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cguille/2556176764/

One Thing From FB

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?


I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

From Gel :-)

The One That Got Away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

Worn Out

I wish someone will make you feel this way too.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/erikvanhannen/2541709350/

It's One Thing to Try to Forgive but I Can't Forget, I have a Good Memory

I'm not sure but I think my dad reaching out. He talks to me about what happens in the news, about what our dog did, random things. I'm quite puzzled; or maybe I'm just not ready to react positively.

It made me think. I am not the kind of person who loves unconditionally. I really thought I was. I accept people's mistakes but when someone who really means something to me hurts me, I do not forget. I don't let go but I don't forget.

I remember how it felt with N. It's just like what happened to me with dad.

6 years of my life I spent loving N as my girlfriend. I did most things thinking about her - my schedule was adjusted to have a common free time with hers; my expenses for myself was a bit limited so as to save for whatever things I want to do with her or give her; when I panned my life, I thought of being with her. I always say I give her the last bite of anything because it gives me joy whenever I see her smile. I take pleasure in accompanying her to school or to work and in fetching her after even I do not own a car. She does not seem to get it when I try to see her even it would be just for a few minutes. She always tells me "wag na, hassle lang sa'yo" or "gastos lang, kaya ko naman". I insist, it doesn't matter if I get to be with her for hours or just a few minutes.

Same way with my dad. I'm not showy but I try my best not to be a burden. I buy my own stuff - clothes, shoes, bags, cellphone, things I collect, etc. I seldom ask for extra money. I never provoke him. I break the rules but not in a way that would give him serious problems (except the time when i got suspended which he didn't know btw). It's a given when I don't go with friends in out of town trips and overnight parties. I just tell people i wasn't allowed by my parents but in reality, I don't really ask for permission. It's just that i don't want to bother them, they would probably decline anyway. Most of all, I tried to be discreet with my sexuality. My friends often tell me I should come out to my parents but I said I don't need to. Sure it would give me peace to finally be myself but I wouldn't want that if I know it would cause them pain. I can hide. They are not ready; maybe they won't be, ever. My "freedom" is less important than their pride. I don't want them to be ashamed of me and themselves.

Both of them meant so much to me but when they've hurt me, I am like forever grieving. I can't let it go. For me, I did everything and they took it for granted. I cannot forget. Maybe I cannot really forgive. I will always try to understand why they offended me. I loved them so much.

Photo: http://juliekinnear.com/toronto-neighbourhoods/leslieville-real-estate/photos/memory-lane

I've been waiting for hours. My messages still unanswered. I recall, about a month ago I was not feeling this way. Everything was fine. It wasn't exactly euphoria but it wasn't as awful as this either. Sometimes I feel so weak. Physically and emotionally. I cannot think clear, my words are not the best things I could say. My timing got worse, my arguments became vague. I became this clown that drew someone farther and farther away from me; that drew myself farther and farther away from who I am, from who I want to be.

I no longer know what to think about, what to feel.
"I'm no longer willing to do everything for you, for us." I felt like I was at one of the lowest points in my life. How do I get you back? How do I get myself back?

I am waiting for something that maybe does not exist anymore.
You do not even bother to reply. Does that mean you don't want me anymore? I am just someone who runs after you?