I'm not sure but I think my dad reaching out. He talks to me about what happens in the news, about what our dog did, random things. I'm quite puzzled; or maybe I'm just not ready to react positively.
It made me think. I am not the kind of person who loves unconditionally. I really thought I was. I accept people's mistakes but when someone who really means something to me hurts me, I do not forget. I don't let go but I don't forget.
I remember how it felt with N. It's just like what happened to me with dad.
6 years of my life I spent loving N as my girlfriend. I did most things thinking about her - my schedule was adjusted to have a common free time with hers; my expenses for myself was a bit limited so as to save for whatever things I want to do with her or give her; when I panned my life, I thought of being with her. I always say I give her the last bite of anything because it gives me joy whenever I see her smile. I take pleasure in accompanying her to school or to work and in fetching her after even I do not own a car. She does not seem to get it when I try to see her even it would be just for a few minutes. She always tells me "wag na, hassle lang sa'yo" or "gastos lang, kaya ko naman". I insist, it doesn't matter if I get to be with her for hours or just a few minutes.
Same way with my dad. I'm not showy but I try my best not to be a burden. I buy my own stuff - clothes, shoes, bags, cellphone, things I collect, etc. I seldom ask for extra money. I never provoke him. I break the rules but not in a way that would give him serious problems (except the time when i got suspended which he didn't know btw). It's a given when I don't go with friends in out of town trips and overnight parties. I just tell people i wasn't allowed by my parents but in reality, I don't really ask for permission. It's just that i don't want to bother them, they would probably decline anyway. Most of all, I tried to be discreet with my sexuality. My friends often tell me I should come out to my parents but I said I don't need to. Sure it would give me peace to finally be myself but I wouldn't want that if I know it would cause them pain. I can hide. They are not ready; maybe they won't be, ever. My "freedom" is less important than their pride. I don't want them to be ashamed of me and themselves.
Both of them meant so much to me but when they've hurt me, I am like forever grieving. I can't let it go. For me, I did everything and they took it for granted. I cannot forget. Maybe I cannot really forgive. I will always try to understand why they offended me. I loved them so much.
Photo: http://juliekinnear.com/toronto-neighbourhoods/leslieville-real-estate/photos/memory-lane
