When Dark Clouds Surround your Dreamy Mind

If there are many gays and lesbians in our midst, fine! We should respect their rights…But they should not also go around town proclaiming their preferences as if it was a badge of honor…
Gays and lesbians should be happy society tolerates them. They should not abuse society’s doting attitude towards them. - Ramon Tulfo

I read this while browsing tumblr today. It was posted a week ago.

I realized I've been resting for a month now. I eat, sleep, surf the internet, go out for a walk, watch House etc. If I had a list, what's going on in his country was the last item on it. I lived my days relaxed, alone, peaceful. This is how it went until I heard what happened in Maguindanao. Actually, the whole thing was already in the news for 2 days before I really paid attention to it. The details give me goosebumps, the incident itself makes me want to just shut up and feel scared. What the fuck is happening in this country?

I wrote blogs about the presidentiables months ago. I was talking about Villar and Mar when I stopped. Noynoy came into the picture, Chiz then not Chiz, Erap again - there's just so many things that's happening I can't even begin to write them down. It's a goddamn circus.

And now, as I write again, I write about these terrible news that currently flood the people's mind, including mine.

“My wife’s private parts were slashed four times, after which they fired a bullet into it. They speared both of her eyes, shot both her breasts, cut off her feet, fired into her mouth. I could not begin to describe the manner by which they treated her.” — Buluan Vice Mayor Esmael Mangudadatu

How violent can people get? Are we in fucking ancient China? They just buried people for Chrissake it's getting unbelievably disgusting. Is this the democracy they're bragging about?

And now, Tulfo, the oh-so-macho journalist thinks gays and lesbians are trying to abuse society.

Oo nga naman, hayaan nyo na lang yung mga “machong” lalaki mambugbog ng asawa, mam-bully ng anak at kapit-bahay, mambabae. Astig yun! Baka yun ang badge of honor? Tapos gawin natin silang congressman, governor, tapos may private army sila para may maipang-massacre. Nakakadiri kaya mga bading at tomboy compared sa machong lalaki.

Tulfo, you fucking idiot. Have you thought about life? What if one of the victims in the Maguindanao massacre was a young gay/lesbian journalist who haven't lived his/her life because of people like you? People who restrict, who command, who judge. People who say "makuntento ka na lang, tino-tolerate ka na nga gusto mo pa magkaron ng representation". Yup, just limit what other people wants to achieve. Macho ka e, suntukin mo na lang kaya si Danton Remoto para mas astig ka. How can you even belittle gays and lesbians for immorality when fucking straight people can be just as or more immoral than them. Will the COMELEC ban every Ampatuan who plans to run for office? Can they? All they can bully are groups who seek representation. For Chrissake, there's a Marijuana Party in Canada and the US, the Western "idols" of this third world country, and the COMELEC can't even grant a level playing field for gays and lesbians. Yes, not even a chance.

Sometimes, I wish it was that easy to seclude yourself a dream of your life ahead.

Longoverdue

So here we go now.

I got this funny feeling that led one thing to another. That eventually semi-ruined my day and made me realize I should not be getting fat. Blablabla

I was with some old friends yesterday. They both brought their "friends" with them. You know, people they think they might like. One of my friends asked me if I wanted to be "matched" with some girl. I got a bit annoyed. I don't like those things, I don't like being matched, I'm not fond of "getting to know" other people.

For more than a year, I faced the most difficult challenge in my life so far. Some may find it funny, I'm tired of explaining myself so yeah, you can all laugh now. I've said this twice but now, I would type it down: Last October, I felt really tired of things. I didn't know what direction my thesis would take. The data I needed was disposed by the DILG (that reminds me, I should blog about inefficient archiving) and I was running out of time. That day I rush from Q.C. to Manila taking no lunch break, not even a drop of water. I scanned God knows how many books to find some useful data. I went srtaight to Makati to meet Miko and to eat "lunch" at 6:00 p.m. I went home feeling tired of all that happened that day, having a slight fever. Then I saw something when I went online. My heartbeat was so fast it's as if it's palpitating. Like all those days when I saw something that reminds me of what shit I had to go through, when I saw something I begged not to happen, I let it out by saying what I feel. And the one I talked to apparently was tired of me. That was the time I felt the just the same. I was tired too. For years I prioritized relationships because that made me happy. Ang sakit naman kasi, 'yun lang naman yung oras ko para mamroblema sa acads bakit kailangan pang sumama na naman yung loob ko.

And yes, up until now I feel this half-empty, half-full thing. I'm actually thankful. I'm tired of giving everything I can. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of her not wanting me, not avoiding what hurts me. It's sad when I ponder on things and I always realize that I still love her but it doesn't really matter anymore.

The Old Town

We went to Pangasinan last Nov. 1. Strange, I never felt at home on our hometown. It's sad that the old house got neglected, we don't know people we trust enough to take care of it and we don't have the money to renovate and repair it properly.

Our house was the first house built of stone in the town of Urbiztondo, Pangasinan. My grandparents were not rich but they were popular in our town probably because they had lots of friends.

Anyway, so much for the history.

We went to the cemetery (which is called the Campo Santo) late in the afternoon. Exhausted, I went for a quick shower before heading to my aunt's place for dinner. I realized i didn't have extra clothes so I went to my grandparents' room. I managed to find two of Daddy Jose's shirt that fit me. He was so thin when he aged. I miss him whenever I see his things. I then found books inside their cabinet. I was surprised to see "The Man of the State" - a book published in the 1960s. It covers Hobbes - Marx. Those were the same political philosophers I encountered last sem in 193. I wonder what would it be like if we talked about them.

I fear the time when I would have to take charge of our home. I don't really know anything about that place. Things actually get lost when you turn your back. I saddens me that we cannot trust people. Anday, the daughter of my great grandmother's trusted helper, seems to think that we could give away money just like that. It irks me when she asks for money as if it was my family's responsibility. I think it's a weird town with a few wierd people. One day, I would not know what to do when I get there.

How to Catch Up

I really don't know how to write things down. I've been lazy as usual.

Phone line's back, I've got nothing to do at home. Still jobless, still not looking hard for work. I live my days in thinking where to spend time or what to do on the internet.

I'm very nosey these days. I go on sites like tumblr, postsecret, FML very often. Very bored.

Now where do I start?

Shredded a million words yesterday.

I will tell that story 3 weeks from now, when internet's back at home!

Inspired

Tita Baby told my mom there were lots of people cheering and clapping for her during the awarding. Janitors and other employees gave gifts like flowers.

She maybe an ordinary employee, but definitely an extraordinary person.


I'm inspired by how my mom tries to help other people. I cannot wait to earn my own money and be able to help others as well.

I love you more than anyone else mom!