Longoverdue

So here we go now.

I got this funny feeling that led one thing to another. That eventually semi-ruined my day and made me realize I should not be getting fat. Blablabla

I was with some old friends yesterday. They both brought their "friends" with them. You know, people they think they might like. One of my friends asked me if I wanted to be "matched" with some girl. I got a bit annoyed. I don't like those things, I don't like being matched, I'm not fond of "getting to know" other people.

For more than a year, I faced the most difficult challenge in my life so far. Some may find it funny, I'm tired of explaining myself so yeah, you can all laugh now. I've said this twice but now, I would type it down: Last October, I felt really tired of things. I didn't know what direction my thesis would take. The data I needed was disposed by the DILG (that reminds me, I should blog about inefficient archiving) and I was running out of time. That day I rush from Q.C. to Manila taking no lunch break, not even a drop of water. I scanned God knows how many books to find some useful data. I went srtaight to Makati to meet Miko and to eat "lunch" at 6:00 p.m. I went home feeling tired of all that happened that day, having a slight fever. Then I saw something when I went online. My heartbeat was so fast it's as if it's palpitating. Like all those days when I saw something that reminds me of what shit I had to go through, when I saw something I begged not to happen, I let it out by saying what I feel. And the one I talked to apparently was tired of me. That was the time I felt the just the same. I was tired too. For years I prioritized relationships because that made me happy. Ang sakit naman kasi, 'yun lang naman yung oras ko para mamroblema sa acads bakit kailangan pang sumama na naman yung loob ko.

And yes, up until now I feel this half-empty, half-full thing. I'm actually thankful. I'm tired of giving everything I can. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of her not wanting me, not avoiding what hurts me. It's sad when I ponder on things and I always realize that I still love her but it doesn't really matter anymore.