The Good Things that Come Out of Unfortunate Events

This week's fridate was a different one.

My friend's mom passed away early this week. I just got home and went on line last Tuesday, the first thing I read was her message, telling me what happened. My heart sank for a few minutes I was even tearing up a bit. It was so hard to imagine someone losing his/her mom.

We had agreed to let go of the usual fridate pig out to go to the wake. It was kind of weird that we were group texting talking about going to a funeral parlor. Aren't we young for this? Sure I had my first wake with friends last month but it feels different thinking one of my closest friend's mom died. However, I had to admit I got a bit excited knowing we would have a little bit of a get together after a while.

Ayee picked me up at Cubao then we headed off to Maginhawa because Pma and Pao were there for their so called emergency. Truth be told, Ayee and I were getting a bit grumpy cause we had planned this days before and they were causing us delay for a fake emergency (yeah, we can tell. cause who gets an emergency and stays at Tomatokick? like duh) plus this is not just any fridate. We were going to a wake for chris' sake, someone can only die once!

So anyway, it did help that we got milk tea from Moonleaf and luckily, after what seems to be a lifetime, caramel pudding was available. We decided to just meet up there so we waited for Erika and Ate Kami as well. To our surprise, Fiona was with them! Oh my she's gotten so big already! I remember not so long ago she was in Erika's tummy while we were scaring each other about ghosts at Sacay and now she is this adorable and girly little kid (not to mention very well behaved)

(Everyone cracked up when Pao said the last time she saw Fiona was when she celebrated her 7th birthday. LOL what a lie, she's just five!)

We got there at around 830 already and the place was just plain packed! We stood outside for more than an hour chatting and catching up. it's good to see that Carmi's holding up pretty well. (I guess). I'm praying that they would be ok. I know we all are. She's a strong woman and I can't help but be amazed by her. She's been through a lot - makes me want to think twice when I want to whine about my life. She may not know it but I look up to her. I know she is far from perfect but she has a good heart.

I just miss us being together. Since we graduated from college, it has been so hard to get us in one place at the same time. The random afternoons at school were long gone. It kind of makes me real sad. I think about those sunny days when we bump into each other just like that. Like it was the most normal thing in the world and now, someone had to pass away to get us all in. Well, scratch that, not even all of us.

I told Erika how I feel old and grown up. That I think we already belonged to those people who say they only get to see friends on wakes.

Whew. Well, on a lighter note, as a superstition of making "pagpag" after you visit the dead and as my own physical need for food (I haven't eaten anything for the day), we went off and searched for some place to eat. We ended up at JT's. And of course, we saw JT. hehe.

It was pleasant having dinner at a long table with good old friends like good old days. Fiona had dinuguan. LOL, I don't even eat that, isn't she just so likable for a kid? I really don't have my way on these little creatures I find it hard getting along with them and they're kind of irritating when they're 5 you know. But Fiona was a good kid, I can just tell. Of course, Pma being a child at heart, became her instant playmate. They were so cute, I had stopped a few seconds for a couple of times just to watch them.

We went to get ice cream after that. Wow, that's the best part! :p

It was past twelve so we decided to head home.

This is why I love Fridays. I can't even work the whole day cause my mind has a giant sign with blinking neon lights that spelled FRIENDS. It doesn't really matter if we celebrate or mourn, I just feel happier when I'm with them.

The Good Things Over the Bad Ones

So you see, the universe is not so bad after all.

On Family:

My uncle's operation went well. I did not know what to say when I saw him.

A year ago, I bought a bike and asked him to teach me. He went to QC Circle every morning to jog. Waking up early always felt like a punishment for me so I got to go with him only twice. By June, I got a job and thought, "well, maybe some other time".

And then he got sick again. His leg got infected and now, it's gone. I feel deeply sorry for all the mornings I've wasted.

My dad handed his wife the death certificate, she said "kailangan pa ba nito? parang nakakatakot naman". It may sound and look morbid, it may give you goosebumps, signing a death certificate of someone (someone's leg to be exact) who's still alive makes you fear his/her death even more. But it needs to be done.

A part of him died.

He raised his right limb and held on to his thighs. Below his knee was the bondage. And then nothing. It breaks my heart seeing that a part of him died.

Amputation is such a hard way of saving a life. Yet I find relief in the fact that he is still alive. At the end of the day, we are all thankful that he's still fighting with us.

On Work:

Some people put more value in work relationships than work itself. I now find myself in the list of those "some people". I haven't been working for a long time, people might think I don't know anything about office politics and I still have the hang of college optimism, and stuff. You know, that I'm still just a "kid".

Well kids, this is just my humble opinion:

I came to realize that in a work place, ranking is a mere title just as salary is a mere figure; but character - character is the real measure of pride. I stand by people who, I know, are working hard, do not kiss ass, do not act for themselves at the expense of others, do not use their position to pick favorites, to bring down rivals, and to abuse things and people "under their authority". I have seen people do ugly things - things that are unnecessary, unfair, and worse, unethical.

I am just happy that I share bottles of beer with real people.

On Myself:

I still do not know what to do with myself. I still don't have a plan and it scares me. I'm still not an overachiever, or maybe, not yet an achiever at all. Surprisingly though, I am motivated. I think I'm done with the self-pity, I-am-a-meaningless-mediocre-person stage. So yeah, cheers!

On a Lighter Note:

Keep me diverted. I'm enjoying it. :)

P.S.

This blog I posted days after Christmas 2010

Before I mark the and of this amazing week, I think I owe some words for my blog (I’d transfer this to blogspot as soon as I remember my password :p)

For six months, I have felt that 2010 has been the worst year of my life. I would often feel so depressed that I would wonder, in the morning when I’m on my way to work, “Would a bus finally run over me this morning?”

I know, I’m one of those “heavy” people that most humans belittle. I’m not heavy in a deep way, I’m more of the emotionally wrecked type. And really, after all this time, I still have “emotion” on my priority list.

Just recently, I have admitted to my officemates slash new friends that I am gay. (which is quite a given in my opinion). They haven’t asked me about my current relationship status but Reg, one of the new ones in the office, is the only person who has an idea on this.

I refrained from answering Carlo’s queries about my past (since I have told him that I am currently single) and it makes him think that I’m still hurt/affected. It’s kind of funny when he tries to bully me into spilling the beans like “Siguro affected ka kaya ayaw mo pag-usapan” or “If you’re over that person, edi dapat wala lang sayo kahit pag-usapan sya”

I feel like my past relationship happened years ago. IDK exactly why. And yes, I think, it still has some effect on me. I guess I can’t help it since it has been a part of my life. I have held on to it for 1/3 of the years I’ve lived here on Earth.

But it feels weird, not feeling strongly about that person. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. It’s like not wanting potatoes, it’s like not missing home, it’s like I’m not me anymore.

Since 2008, I have often thought of how it feels to reach this stage. Sometimes, at the peak of disappointments, I yearn for numbness just to be able to leave my long running soap.

I can’t explain how different this feels. I’d like to think it’s just maturity or as they say, growing up. I don’t like to see this as numbness. I guess, I feel bad that I didn’t have that ability to make this certain person happy or fall in love deeply. I have tried, for seven years, and this new person comes into her life and I feel that she, the new girlfriend, has done way better than I did. In so many ways, I have felt bad - pride, jealousy, self pity, regret, incompetence, etc etc etc I thought of it a hundred times but then I asked myself, “If given the chance, would you want to make it up to her?” and I felt tiredness. I do not want to measure up to anyone or anything anymore.

Until I stopped worrying. I stopped thinking that I should join the bandwagon on moving on. That you have to be happy and you have to be able to be friends or talk about your ex without your nostrils showing up. That you have to have someone to replace the one who left you. That you have to try not to look sad in a way that people will try to associate your sadness to being single.

The last time I saw her, I admit I was not able to look into her eyes straight. Being in front of her made me feel uncomfortable. It was like having lunch with a new co-worker for the first time or meeting a friend of a friend where they talk and you’re obliged to listen. I kind of felt sad that I was there, sitting in front of someone I used to love so dearly, but at that moment, all I felt was awkwardness; as if I’m in front of someone I do not know. It feels so different to see her after a long time and not feel that longing emotion.

When we were younger, I was sure that I wanted to be friends with her if we break up. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted us to remain special. I don’t know why I stopped wanting to be part of her life. I hated her for neglecting me as a lover but now I feel like I’m allowing myself to throw a part of me away.

I have the guts to blog because a year has just ended. But after this, there’ll be no reason to write about love and relationships. (mmm, that’s so pessimistic, let me try to rephrase) After this, I might not be able to write about love and relationships the way I used to.

I do feel more at peace right now that I do not have to worry about pleasing someone or analyzing each word and monitoring the possibility of cheating etc. I do feel lonely at times when I’m so tired and I couldn’t turn to someone so I could feel warm and fuzzy.

I guess, it feels weird for me not to be in love. I have been holding on to that feeling for seven long-sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad years.

Now, I just want to buy shoes or eat out. Go home early, worry about the family. I’d like to think this does not mean I’m empty. I think I just, finally, followed that change of heart.

This is the longest P.S. I’ve written. I think a 7 year relationship deserves a nice ending but I think it’s just not a priority in our lives right now. This is what I can give as I close this chapter (ngayon lang pala magco-close? late bloomer lang haha) - my sincere and honest words.

In 2011, there’ll be new tags on my blogger account.

:)

Word Diaries 1

Ang mga Huling Kumento

Dahil pawala na ang Grad hype ko, pwede na ako mag blog. Kung tungkol sa Cheer Dance Compet nga sinusulat ko, dapat ito din.

Minsan naiisip ko, hindi rin pala simple ang nakalipas na 5 taon. Ang dami ko ng pinagdaanan. Nag BS Math ako sa UPLB nung 1st year, Pre-Dent sa UPM ng 2nd year, Polsc sa Diliman nung 3rd year hanggang sa napagod na'ko kaka-shift at tinapos ko na.

Nagkaroon na ko ng phase kung saan nag struggle akong kilalanin ang sarili ko, tapos nagkaroon ako ng freedom phase - nagyosi, inuman, mga usapang paglaban sa status quo, etc. Tapos biglang may clique phase, sandamakmak na chismisan, panglalait, tuksuhan. Meron ding anti-social period (matagal to e) - yung wala lang ako kinakausap sa mga kaklase ko tapos hindi ako nagsusuklay, nakapambahay ako lagi, ang luluwag ng suot ko't nakatsinelas pa'ko nung parang gulong, yun bang ako yung tipo ng taong di mo iisiping i-chummy. Nagkaron din ako ng cranky phase - nakakainis lahat ng tao, napaka-corny ng love konsepto lang naman yun, lahat ng nagrerecite nagmamagaling etc. Ewan ko, lately nagka conscious phase naman ako. Tinatanong ko yung mga kaibigan ko lagi "mataba ba ko?" "mukha ba kong tomboy?" "may dumi ba ko sa mukha?" "pangit na ba buhok ko?" "halata bang madumi sapatos ko?".

Hindi ko na rin minsan malaman, ano na ba talaga ako sa mga nabanggit? Wala, lahat, depende sa panahon. Basta ang alam ko, pagkatapos ng 5 taon, masaya ako sa mga naranasan ko. Pagkatapos ng 5 taon, alam kong natuto ako.

Syempre nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos, sa magulang ko, pamilya ko, mga kaibigan ko, mga guro (lalo na kay Prof. Casambre), kay sered na rin siguro... pero higit sa lahat, nagpapasalamat ako sa sarili ko. Dahil sa lahat ng intra at interpersonal kong problema, sa lahat ng hinanakit ko sa pamilya, sa lahat ng panghihinayang ko sa buhay, sa bawat pangiinsulto sa pagkatao ko, sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasakatan ang puso ko, sa lahat ng pagka-cut at inumang inuna ko, sa lahat ng "agit at nega na energy" at katamaran na dala-dala ko sa aking katawan, sa bawat segundong inisip ko sana maglaho na lang ako, hindi ako nagpatalo. Hindi ako sumuko. Kahit wala na kong data at di pa ko kumakain, kahit namumugto ang mata kong pumapasok sa klase, kahit nauubos ang baon ko sa pagpapa-photocopy, kahit sumasakit ang paa ko sa paglalakad, kahit gutom ako sa klase, o inaantok, kahit bored na bored na ko sa buhay ko, kahit ayaw sakin ng prof o ng mga group mates ko at kahit pa pinagdududahan ko na ang sarili ko, tinapos ko.

Hindi man ako kasing talino at sing galing ng ibang tao, maging kasing yaman ng pinangarap ko, masaya ako.Hindi matatawaran ang under grad experience.

Ok, so unemployed ako. Sabi nga nung Suma ng Ling, welcome sa gubat ng kahirapan!!!

PS nakakalungkot baka wala na'ko ma-post under UP tag :(

Near that Division

Well, what can I say? Weeks after my last entry, many things have changed. I'm at home today, no classes. I got my 199 grade already. I spared this blog from the rants of making and revising 199. I feel relieved actually.

I'm very near to that point where I'm going to say "I'm finally graduating" 199 was my biggest fear and I survived that course. Now I'm just waiting for Econ. and fixing papers. I'm thinking of how it feels to have no rant posts under the UP tag. I feel sadness.

I believe I'm going to worry about new things now. There are times in your life that you love so much and it hurts you to leave them all behind, but the choice to stay will not make you happy either. So it's better to move on.

BTW, I'm a registered voter already.

I want to enjoy these times. I want to mark an end, and a beginning. :)

This is the Battle of our Generation

I have lost the enthusiasm in joining rallies. I always tell my friends, people who rally on the streets are fighting for different causes. If you see leaflets distributed by protesters, they look like a hodge podge of arguments. If I join, I really do not know my cause, I do not really know what I want to happen after the protest.

I always think of martial law. I wonder what it was like to fight for something. Iba kasi noon eh. Today, we are diverted by iPods, internet, Wii, malls, Starbucks, parties, movies, music, texting, blogging (ehem).

Noon limitado ang pinapalabas sa TV, pinapatugtog sa radyo, iniimprenta sa dyaryo. Ngayon, ilang chanels mayroon ng cable TV? Ilang banda at solo artists ang naririnig galing sa buong mundo? Sama mo na yung mga independent artists na pinakatatago sa playlist para astig ka dahil ikaw lang may kilala sa kanila. Ilang dyaryo ang mabibili? Tabloid, magazine, mga FHM, ganyan. Dami diba?

Diverted ang attention natin eh, kaya hindi tayo focused masyado sa pulitika.

They say when a society has fulfilled its material needs, it begins to focus its attention to issues of human rights, standard of living, environment protection etc. (Post-materialist) Habang materyal na bagay ang pinoproblema ng isang bansa, they fight about ideology. Dapat pantay-pantay, yung iba naman gusto kapitalismo, mga ganong bagay.

We haven't met our material needs. Nasa ideology struggle pa yata tayo eh. Kasi ang tao, ayaw ipaalis ang mga pabrika dahil mawawalan ng trabaho. Hayaan ng magtapon ng dumi sa ilog basta may makain paguwi.

When Ondoy took us by surprise, I realized we have a more serious battle than the martial law kids. Why? Because we are caught in the intersection of materialist and post-materialist problems. Hindi lang ito pagpapaalis ng diktador na nagpapahirap sa buhay ng mga tao, sa panahon natin ngayon, pati diktador pwedeng maging biktima. Yes, freedom is not a material thing pero part of ideology pa rin yun. (Liberal)

The damages brought about by Ondoy were partly due to geographical constants (Marikina, Cainta, and Pasig are valleys), partly caused by negligence of developers (areas were not fit for urban development), partly of corruption (800M from emergency fund spent on GMA's foreign trips) and last, our own irresponsibility as citizens.

Yung bibilhing mga damit sa Greenhills o Divi, ipapasupot pa pwede naman ilagay ng sama-sama sa bag. Yung basura pag walang makita na basurahan, pasimpleng laglag sa sidewalk o kaya paliliparin habang nakasakay sa sasakyan. Yung chewing gum idudura sa kalsada (natatapakan ko tuloy! Any ba yun.)

Hindi man natin kayang ilikas ang lahat ng tao palayo sa valleys, o ipakulong yung mga developers na nagsitayuan ng mga subdivision sa di masyadong safe na lugar, at singilin si Gloria sa mga ginastos nya sa ibang bansa, maging malinis na lang tayo. Even in our little ways we can save lives.

We should start fighting our generation's battle. Protect the environment.

"Woot!"

This sickness is making me agitated. I wish I get well soon! Haven't watched Kimmydora yet.

I just realized that I had enough entries about youknowwho. So there, I'm stopping here. Everything stopped between us, again there's no point in hanging on. :D

I finally used my new number just this afternoon. Woot! Now that's the finish line right?

On to more happy days!

The nth Summer Morning

I sometimes feel I cannot get through this. I still daydream of things with you, or remember happy moments. Then I think about how you think of me - that what I did was ridiculous, stupid, silly. I do not feel respect in those words. Who did not listen to who? It's too late now. I'm too pissed and frustrated. I did it, you did what was for me, the most painful; and you did not mind. Becuase for you it was not wrong. For you. And for him. It was the only thing important. I do not want to play the arguments all over again. You did not want me to leave but things were never the same again. I do not like how you treat me, think of me, talk to me. I cannot think of anything that makes me want to stay near you except the fact that I (you know what). But everytime I think about you I remember what you did, I question why can't you just do whatever would make me forget, why can't you understand that pain cannot be rationalized and all I want is for you to respect the pain you gave me, that I tried to endure. Respeto lang dun sa six years. I just wanted to live without seeing the very cause of my suffering. But you kept on insisting there was nothing wrong. You did me wrong, why should you set the parameters of what I should feel just because you think "there's nothing wrong"

Bottom line is, as what you've said a few weeks ago, it's too late.

I wish you didn't tell me you didn't want me to leave. It made (and perhaps, makes) me think twice. You are that someone. But again, you have your own life now, own plans and priorities. None of which I am a part of. How can I be your person?

That was my favorite picture of us by the way. I wish we could have stayed together, happy like those days. (Ugh. Shut up.)

And I Close My Eyes

I have to do something. I have to stop feeling something. I have to stop getting hurt. I have to stop thinking.

Tom, I will watch Up again in 3D.

I will spend my money for myself. I will spend time with friends. I don't care if it means drinking vodka and beer at high noon. Oh yes!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cguille/2556176764/