This blog I posted days after Christmas 2010
Before I mark the and of this amazing week, I think I owe some words for my blog (I’d transfer this to blogspot as soon as I remember my password :p)
For six months, I have felt that 2010 has been the worst year of my life. I would often feel so depressed that I would wonder, in the morning when I’m on my way to work, “Would a bus finally run over me this morning?”
I know, I’m one of those “heavy” people that most humans belittle. I’m not heavy in a deep way, I’m more of the emotionally wrecked type. And really, after all this time, I still have “emotion” on my priority list.
Just recently, I have admitted to my officemates slash new friends that I am gay. (which is quite a given in my opinion). They haven’t asked me about my current relationship status but Reg, one of the new ones in the office, is the only person who has an idea on this.
I refrained from answering Carlo’s queries about my past (since I have told him that I am currently single) and it makes him think that I’m still hurt/affected. It’s kind of funny when he tries to bully me into spilling the beans like “Siguro affected ka kaya ayaw mo pag-usapan” or “If you’re over that person, edi dapat wala lang sayo kahit pag-usapan sya”
I feel like my past relationship happened years ago. IDK exactly why. And yes, I think, it still has some effect on me. I guess I can’t help it since it has been a part of my life. I have held on to it for 1/3 of the years I’ve lived here on Earth.
But it feels weird, not feeling strongly about that person. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. It’s like not wanting potatoes, it’s like not missing home, it’s like I’m not me anymore.
Since 2008, I have often thought of how it feels to reach this stage. Sometimes, at the peak of disappointments, I yearn for numbness just to be able to leave my long running soap.
I can’t explain how different this feels. I’d like to think it’s just maturity or as they say, growing up. I don’t like to see this as numbness. I guess, I feel bad that I didn’t have that ability to make this certain person happy or fall in love deeply. I have tried, for seven years, and this new person comes into her life and I feel that she, the new girlfriend, has done way better than I did. In so many ways, I have felt bad - pride, jealousy, self pity, regret, incompetence, etc etc etc I thought of it a hundred times but then I asked myself, “If given the chance, would you want to make it up to her?” and I felt tiredness. I do not want to measure up to anyone or anything anymore.
Until I stopped worrying. I stopped thinking that I should join the bandwagon on moving on. That you have to be happy and you have to be able to be friends or talk about your ex without your nostrils showing up. That you have to have someone to replace the one who left you. That you have to try not to look sad in a way that people will try to associate your sadness to being single.
The last time I saw her, I admit I was not able to look into her eyes straight. Being in front of her made me feel uncomfortable. It was like having lunch with a new co-worker for the first time or meeting a friend of a friend where they talk and you’re obliged to listen. I kind of felt sad that I was there, sitting in front of someone I used to love so dearly, but at that moment, all I felt was awkwardness; as if I’m in front of someone I do not know. It feels so different to see her after a long time and not feel that longing emotion.
When we were younger, I was sure that I wanted to be friends with her if we break up. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted us to remain special. I don’t know why I stopped wanting to be part of her life. I hated her for neglecting me as a lover but now I feel like I’m allowing myself to throw a part of me away.
I have the guts to blog because a year has just ended. But after this, there’ll be no reason to write about love and relationships. (mmm, that’s so pessimistic, let me try to rephrase) After this, I might not be able to write about love and relationships the way I used to.
I do feel more at peace right now that I do not have to worry about pleasing someone or analyzing each word and monitoring the possibility of cheating etc. I do feel lonely at times when I’m so tired and I couldn’t turn to someone so I could feel warm and fuzzy.
I guess, it feels weird for me not to be in love. I have been holding on to that feeling for seven long-sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad years.
Now, I just want to buy shoes or eat out. Go home early, worry about the family. I’d like to think this does not mean I’m empty. I think I just, finally, followed that change of heart.
This is the longest P.S. I’ve written. I think a 7 year relationship deserves a nice ending but I think it’s just not a priority in our lives right now. This is what I can give as I close this chapter (ngayon lang pala magco-close? late bloomer lang haha) - my sincere and honest words.
In 2011, there’ll be new tags on my blogger account.
:)
