The Private Citizen :D

I fixed my settings on Facebook, deleted contacts on Multiply, deleted my Friendster account and am about to change my mobile number. It's not that easy but somewhere in the loneliness of doing these, I smiled. It's a light feeling. I feel like I'm setting myself free by isolating myself from others. This time, being free is far from coming out. I do not want to use the term "hiding" I believe I am not. I'm am just disconnecting from excess relationships. I am just trying to leave a phase, I am just trying to say goodbye. I am trying to start again. Lalalala

Sunday, Aug 30, 2009

I told myself to stay away but I gave in. It may be a good thing. It may be good bye.

And I Close My Eyes

I have to do something. I have to stop feeling something. I have to stop getting hurt. I have to stop thinking.

Tom, I will watch Up again in 3D.

I will spend my money for myself. I will spend time with friends. I don't care if it means drinking vodka and beer at high noon. Oh yes!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cguille/2556176764/

This Post is Very Lame

I'm back on line! I slept at around 4am yesterday just to finish another installment of 199.

Gah. My cousin added me on FB. Family in my contact list is just a no-no! Haha my mom and ninang did not add me YET. Ugh.

I'm not posting much there so I guess I'll just keep it that way!'

I'm currently at my room. YEAH! Free Wifi from a neighbor! haha very nice :D

Not yet in the mood to write things. I couldn't think much, I just woke up.

Ciao!

Up Hangover

I just thought yesterday, since I had nothing to say to N, that I was Carl and Pam was Russel. I kind of smiled as I read my own message and quickly sent it to Pam and Ayee. Ayee asked "So sino ako? Si Kevin?" I initially thought of Erika (solely because of the name itself) but I guess she doesn't want to be Kevin; and the role playing of Up itself. I said "Yes! Because you're makulay!" And we were the cast of Up already :D

The movie did not make me cry but it sure made me feel sad. Carl and Ellie - childhood sweethearts, dreamt of going to Paradise Lost,

got married, built their home,

and stayed together until Ellie left.

I'm Carl because I'm grumpy like that.

I'm Carl because...



I have to get a toy and a shirt!

One Thing From FB

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?


I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

From Gel :-)

The One That Got Away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

Driven for Up

At last! Pam and I finally watched Up today! Too bad Gel was not able to make it. Still, it was fun! We first decided to watch at Trinoma. When we got there, the line was so long then we found out that they only have Up on 3D. That would cost us 300php. No! Not ready for that. We then called TicketNet to ask for Gateway's sched. The next screening's already at 9pm. No! Too late! We rushed to SM North for our last hope. The Block only had Up on 3D as well. We were about to panic when the lady told it was shown in Cinema 5 - Main Mall (so alam mo na, walang 3D dun!)

Hurray! Tickets in our hands. We weren't able to buy food. NO TACOBELL. Boo! Haha I checked out the shirts outside the Cinema. I want to buy one! or two!!! :D

It was good. I enjoyed the movie! I'm glad I was able to watch already. :))

We hurried, stopped by Tacobell to soothe our cravings then went straight home. A lot of brisk walking today. Really! Very driven for Up :)


I shall have my adventure too! I just hope I get to do it with my own Ellie :)

2nd Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/achew/3735673490/

Some Things are More Important

I haven't done much today. Read a little, slept, went on line, thought...

I skipped my meals. Mom cooked for me in the afternoon. As I sat with her at the table, she began ranting again. I can't say rant is the right word. She looked so sad; her eyes were tired.

Tin, my younger cousin, might not be able to enroll next trimester. Tito Jess just had an eye operation to remove his cataract. Tita Min has to have an eye operation too, she had a blackout a few days ago and they're talking about glaucoma. Tita Urdu has a mass in her breast. She might undergo an operation by October, then a biopsy. I'm really hoping it's not cancerous. Mom was so drained. She told me she wanted to give her siblings some help especially Tito Jess and his family but doesn't have enough money even for us. Kuya's tuition is eating up what's left of Mom's savings. I can't tell how much of it is left for her. Again she talks about how Dad can't manage our expenses and that she prefers not having a helper because she can no longer afford it.

As she was telling me these things, I just sat there, idle. I can't do much. I really can't do the chores. (Yes, I know I'm useless and all that) I suddenly felt so weak. Knowing that my thesis proposal is not doing well and I'm at the verge of dropping, all I can do is sigh and feel guilty. I can't fail now but I can't seem to get things right.

I'm thinking of work. No matter what happens, I have to work by November - with or without a diploma. I can't be a burden.

Memoirs of a Happy Crush

Ok, bakit ayaw bumaba nung picture?

Anyway, I was a little drunk yesterday that's why I didn't bother to write seriously. Today, I slept for hours and woke up hungry. While waiting for my food, I went on line. "Stalked" and got disappointed. I was at the verge of going emo and heavy again. I was seriously teary-eyed. I told myself, I do not know what to do anymore to be important to that someone. It's hopeless.

Then just before I logged out I noticed something on my mail. "Franne Cheska Ramos tagged you in a note" I checked it and this was what I saw.

13. What's your fondest memory of mela rosal?
- tigang laway days. MR. BAKZ days. random LB trip. pati yung araw na nakaubos kami ng 300 each sa timezone. wow andami. i miss you mr bakz! iniwan na tayo ni miko!

I suddenly missed those days again. I never seemed to get those back - such worry free days. I enjoyed Cheska's company back then because I liked her and at the same time i don't want her. It was a happy crush, meaningless, more fun only. What's good about it is that she can make my day but never break it.

As time passed though, I seldom see her (though she appears whenever I'm in an unbearable bad mood and that was quite impressive) and she underwent some serious changes which were not so cool btw. (e.g. her vegtable-ness expired and all that "chismis") I slowly lost that happy feeling when I see her. I'm not sure why. Nonetheless, I miss her and those days. I miss having someone to stalk and like without even the tiniest string attached. I have such fond memories of her because she never got to hurt me, I was incapable of feeling that. I wish there will be another happy cruch along the way. It's so much fun :)

I asked her why didn't she mention the sunflower day. I enjoyed that day very much. I remember giving her breadsticks that day. Actually, I remember buying cake slices at Chockiss, those small donuts at hot loops and cookies from my friend Cristine (who was her friend too woot) supposedly for our friends but actually I had bought them for her (I shared it to everyone so it wouldn't be so obvious). She made mac and cheese (for me I suppose) the day we went to Timezone. I thought it was amazing, I can't remember anyone who cooked for me. I had always asked N to do that but she always refused, says she's not a good cook. I'm not comparing though. I just thought it was great to eat something made by someone (that's edible of course). I especially like the random LB trip. Haha. We were both bloated. Imagine having a meal at Bonito's then after some walking we went straight to Raymundo for proven and bought the small chocolate cake at Mernel's, yes just for ourselves. We weren't able to finish though, the small cake was big for us (all the "very small cakes" were sold) and the funny thing is that the cake was heart-shaped. Parang ayoko bilhin HAHAHA.

Oh well, Cheska was not able to actually make my day this time, but at least she gave me some diversion. LAWAY.

Tamang Tama Lang!

Tamang TK lang!!! (woot)

I am Just Paranoid by Nature

I was a bit worried why my views have gone up to 40. Miko is my one and only follower. How in the world would that number appear in my views?

I saw her reply on my last post. Then I saw the words "7 views" on the side. I was thinking "No way, that's impossible!"

I thought for a while. I happen to see a typo error and of course, I immediately edited the post. I clicked "View blog" then it appeared again "8 views". "Aha!" I said to myself with a sigh of relief. Miko and I are still alone in my place in this cyber thing.

Well, it only shows how many times I view my own posts to search for errors. Every time I see one, I quickly (right) click the pencil icon to open it in new tab then edit then "View blog". I go back to my window and search for more. I never really get to write right. Haha. But it's good to know I'm still isolated.

Worn Out

I wish someone will make you feel this way too.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/erikvanhannen/2541709350/

It's Like Yin and Yang

Today was a good day!

When I try to recall today's events, I can say it was a balance of good and bad.

I got a 2.5, 3 and 4 for my thesis proposal. What a way to start the day right?

I reflected a bit at the library then decided to drop by Miko's room just for a short conversation. After all, I haven't seen her for days, not even talked to her through text. We had a pleasant, a little funny and "comforting" conversation as usual. (She said "ang ganda/sexy mo today...syempre pinapaganda ko lang pakiramdam mo" I told that to Erika and she said "Ganon talaga si Miko no? May pagka-blunt." And we both laughed!)

Erika, Thesa, Pam and I decided to have lunch at Philcoa. Jollibee! I ordered chicken and spaghetti as usual. Thesa ordered a feast! Burger steak with rice, mushroom soup, and yes, chicken and spaghetti too! I always enjoy having lunch with friends. It's fun, full of conversations of just about anything, and very light (or viri viri light in our acquired gay language).

Pam was sitting beside the window. We noticed she was making faces with a kid outside. She suddenly blurted "Bilhan ko kaya sya ng spaghetti?" I, was a little shocked. Yes, she gives coins to street kids, gave 20php to the scholar from Antipolo who sells 60php worth of ballpen and the likes; but it was a bit different buying food for a street kid. It's not like you give them something you can't finish or giving your extra sandwich, it just felt different. She called the little girl and they went to the counter together. Pam ushered the kid to the next table and the girl shyly started to eat her spaghetti (and mushroom soup from Thesa). Thesa said "Naiiyak naman ako kay Pam, na-touch ako." We laughed but yes, I, myself was touched as well. I asked Pam after, "French fries pa?" She just replied "Di na, wala na kong anju (money) haha"

I was amazed. I have never done that. I am usually apathetic to street kids. And if sympathetic, hanggang dun na lang yun. I am not generous to strangers. I wish I could be a more giving person. I will try!

We went back to U.P. at around 1:30 p.m. Since I was an hour early for my 193 class, I dropped by Antas and decided to buy a book: "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl". It was just 100php; not bad for a bored person like me.

Pam texted me at around 3:30 p.m. She said they went with Joy to the pier. I quickly said I wanted to come. Too bad they were already at Taft Ave. I suddenly felt that I shouldn't have come to class. (haha) I was a little disappointed. I really wanted to come and see the pier (and you know, it's Manila!) Then I thought I really wanted a Mudslide (I've been telling Pam and Thesa that I wanted to drink but Ministop Philcoa didn't have any).

After class, I asked Miko to drink with me and that I particularly wanted to drink a Mudslide. She had to meet Ana though. Good thing Erika went with me and suggested to go to technohub. I bought a Mudshake, not a Mudslide (what's the difference btw?) and she ordered her coffee at CBTL. Again, it was light. I finished my drink and so did she. We talked about all sorts of things again. More light this time, nothing about current events and politics. It was fun!

I tried to wait for the kids from the pier but I felt so tired. Erika left and I sat there, sleepy, at CBTL. I decided to go home.

It's breezy!

Now I'm off to read Anne Frank again. Ciao!

Mars Vs. Caparas

Mars Ravelo's Family Breaks Silence on Carlo J. Caparas Award

A contact from Plurk shared this link and I am re posting. Erika and I have talked about this issue last week. It was said loud and clear that Manoling Morato is a moron blabbing about how great Carlo J. Caparas is. Nailabas na ang pagiging agit at lahat. But it does not seem to stop. Everytime I read atricles about this issue, I end up frowning.

What the hell is with Manoling and Carlo J.?

Manoling tries to defend his dear Carlo J. by lambasting other artists. And take note, artists na hindi ka-level ni Caparas. As in he's way under their level. Morato's arguments are just so idiotic.

Caparas on the other hand, tries to defend himself as well. As in effort! Parang pinagpipilitan na niya ang award sa kanya.

And one more thing, I may not be a Mars Ravelo fan but indeed, her deserve the NAA more than Carlo Caparas. Carlo may have produced a great number of komiks (none of them I knew of btw) but always remember, it's not about the quantity but the quality.

Illustration by David Sysing

Sunday day day

Umm. Oo. Ewan ko. Hindi. Wala lang. Ok lang. Wala akong paki. Bahala na. Che. Pwe. Whatever. E ano ngayon. Wag mo na isipin. Wala lang 'yan. Wag kang magsaya. Wag ka malungkot.

Around the 9th and the 15th

I had a long week! Let's say finally, I am on "vacation" :) Still waiting for my consultation for 199. I do hope it would get a little better. i do not want to be forced to drop this subject. I have no plans of extending! I had minimal internet time this week. There were times to hang out though.

Last Tuesday, I went to NCPAG lib to photocopy an article. They librarian was a cold *****, she said they can't find the journal. "Nakita mo naman kung gaano kaagulo yun (shelves of foreign periodicals) di namin mahahanap yun." Wow so is it the students' job to fix the shelves now?

I decided to go to SOLAIR in the hopes to find the article in a more convenient, normal way. I was not disappointed. I actually love SOLAIR's library! It was cozy, and people free! :D



I met up with Pam and Thesa after to have lunch at Mr. Kabab. I felt so full I wanted to vomit.


I spent a few hours with Erika after class. We had a good conversation; mostly current events. I told her I remember telling myself I would never listen to A.M. radio. Well guess what? We were talking about A.M. radio programs, news, and commentators. Are we getting old?


Wednesday,I managed to pass my 199 revised exercises before the day ended. I went home right after submitting the papers. It was so humid, I needed to take a bath badly.


Thursday was another whatever-conversation with Erika at AS steps. The afternoon was a little dull and plain when we saw Kuya Philo emerging from AS parking lot. I KNOW RIGHT.


I felt my stomach stretch on Friday. Had dinner at Friuli at Pam. I never learn, I know. I refused to share the good-for-two pasta because I didn't really appreciate Friuli's carbonara. Pam insisted on ordering pizza. There, I (or we) ended up feeling so bloated. I was kind of dizzy when I got home (and felt compelled to eat with mom and dad, and I did. It made me feel more dizzy).


I woke up, (thank God!) and was ready for the next day! We were supposed to have a make up class in PS 167 at arround 4-6 p.m. Good thing classmaes were able to bargain the 12-2 slot.

Ayee and I were planning the previous night to watch "Up". We've been waiting for it for months now. Early in the morning we got disappointed with the information that it would be shown beginning on the 19th.


I decided to just go ukay-ukay then drop by to Ayee's house before heading home. We had isaw at Holy Angels then bought something for her mom at the grocery.


We stopped by the Ice Cream Store for my ice cream sandwich.




Again, as always, I was full! It wouldn't be a visit to Ayee if you won't say "nabusog ako!" before going home.

Pam is planning the long overdue Muchachos part 2! HAHA let's hope for the best. Lez go!

I Miss You All!

Sometimes i wonder what would it be like if I didn't leave. I miss having friends around. I miss being with friends during class, eating lunch with them. I miss having a routine! It was like high school but it was definitely fun.


The last times I spent with them, medyo di na 'ko maka-relate. Samantalang dati 'di kami tumitigil tumawa, get nila pag nagpapatawa ako, kilala ko kung sinong kinukwento nila. Everything was light. Sana light lang ulit buhay ko!

Is Time Meaningless?

I can say I'm in a low point in my life right now. Recent events were tough and simply put, I made me feel a range of feelings from anger to loneliness to hopelessness to emptiness. Yes, all in the negative side of the spectrum. Just this Thursday I consulted with my professor for my thesis proposal. She did not get it; she did not like the topic as well. Again I felt stupid for not getting things right; scared that I might end up failing. I have failed enough the past month in terms of my relationship with someone. Normally, I would not feel I failed but when that someone just lost her love for me, I started to become a failure again just like when she cheated on me, I failed to keep her in love with me.

Going back to my thesis, I was puzzled all day, very much worried. Wifi at CMC disappointed me. My brother borrowed my laptop to do his assignment and I was left waiting, doing nothing because all my files are saved in Q. He even asked me "Kelan mo ba kailangan yan?" Meaning when will I have to submit whatever I'm doing. Then added "Kasi deadline ko nagyon." It made me furious. Why in the world was he playing Mafia Wars when I got home?

People seldom think of others. It makes my head spin. I sat at my bed, texting. She asked me "Sobrang badtrip ka ba?" I answered "I don't even know."; because I don't. I don't know what to think of, what to feel, how to react. I felt worn out. I just wanted to keep steady. I was almost numb. I read messages on my sent items. That's just not how I feel, I just tried to explain that people should think and think ahead so they wouldn't be burdens to other people. I do not know what I really feel.

I said i wanted things over. I want this stage over. I'm thinking of "In time... I will..." But I'm thinking twice. Will I forget how these affected me? Will things ever change? Will I ever trust? Will I get myself back? In time?

Painting: The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali

On Politics

I would like to make some points about issues that I encountered lately.

1. Support for Corazon

My friend Thesa wore a yellow ribbon to school and I did too as soon as I found out she had a long ribbon to share. Erika said she did not like Cory. She stated some of the reasons why - CARP, Mendiola massacre, Doy Laurel, Casino Filipino. N on the other hand was totally in support of Cory. I told her my opinion and she only answered “Ok”. It made me think I was not able to explain my side very well.

Being a president is no easy job. Being a president out of a People Power Revolution makes it more difficult. For one, you have the burden of huge expectations. You are a symbol of democracy; that’s bigger than and far from being just an elected president. Just imagine bold letters twice as big when you spell accountability. Presidents make wrong decisions too and these we find easy to say “that was a wrong decision, she should have seen in coming etc.” in retrospect. Consider asymmetric information, consider differences in political views, and consider what it’s like to make a decision. In policy making, it’s almost impossible not to have winners and losers. Policy for group A could mean taking some of group B’s subsidy or group C’s privilege. There is no utopia where in one person can make each and everyone happy.

See, that might be the problem. Giving someone the task to be a symbol of something so meaningful to people has its dangers. No one is perfect but when you put someone in such a place and he or she does something wrong, you lose respect. A revolution is no revolution if you fought it alone. There are people who took part in it that no matter what their motivations were, they were of some help in the victory. When you study politics, you will learn that there is such a thing called political necessity. In one way or another she may have given some people favors. But how do you expect a leader of a transition government to act? In some parts you have to pay “utang na loob” or you have to give concessions to appease people who threaten a frail government trying to build itself in a new political environment (democracy). There are some things that are inevitable in politics. As Laver (1983) said “Pure conflict is war. Pure cooperation is true love. Politics is a mixture of both.”

As to Doy Laurel, I am not that sympathetic of the thought that Cory did not give her position to Doy as it was agreed upon according to Thesa’s professor. Doy wanted to run as president but, if I remember it correctly, Cardinal Sin did not allow him to. He was a politician and that would raise doubts of the people thinking he still is just like one of them (traditional politicians). Cory was just right to give the people the feeling that they can fight. Even people in advertising could identify to this – packaging is important. It is not something noble, that’s just the way it goes – people are drawn to support or patronize something and you have to do anything to get that support. Doy cannot draw that immense support. If we recall the events, there were numerous coups that attempted to bring the Aquino government to an end. (I think the military wanted to gain power because they played a huge part in the revolution. That is true, without the support of the military; the revolution might have turned out differently. However, their goal was very selfish. It was like “you owe your freedom to us, we should rule” without even thinking, do Filipinos want a military government?) If Doy took Cory’s position, it would just give the impression that, not only Pres. Aquino, but most of all the democracy the people fought for was not worth it. It would appear weak, trivial and senseless because it was unable to sustain itself. It would mean the people fought for nothing; that they were but accessories of the revolution because the military could just replace the dictatorship if they wanted to. If Doy assumed office, it would be as if she gave up and appointed someone to save the government. I wouldn’t, in a million years, wanted Doy to be president. I wouldn’t want a woman who is already in power give up and pass her responsibility to someone. It may be unfair to Doy because Cory gave her word, but it would have been unfair to the people as well since they did not vote for Doy to be their president.

But just to clarify, Corazon is not a saint. I cannot say she was never tainted with fraud, intentional or unintentional. CARP and Mendiola massacre should not be forgotten. She was in politics.

2. On bureaucrats.

Alex Magno was in Cory’s background in a video clip. He wore a yellow shirt. As an impulse, I pointed to the screen right away and said “Uy, si Alex Magno”. My dad reacted and said “Nako, isa pa yang super balimbing.” I did not respond. I thought for a while then I smiled. Being a writer, it is expected of him to criticize the current government and people have been commenting that indeed, his political views change from time to time. Anyway it is not so much about Alex Magno that I want to react upon. He has assumed certain positions in different governments. I would just like to add that he is a bureaucrat. What he writes in his column is not my concern.

The point I want to make is, if one serves the government as a political adviser or as the one who makes the president’s speeches or street sweeper, he or she is a part of the bureaucracy and not a politician. Can you see the difference? If I have enough knowledge to advise the president, why wouldn’t I? Why would I let my political views prevent myself from advising the president? If worse comes to worst, I can walk out and declare my opposition. For example, my job is to write a speech for the president but I do not agree with her principles and with what she does. We are a week away from SONA. Would I leave my job and pass it on to someone? No, because the people has to have the State of the Nation Address no matter what. The Philippines will not miss SONA just because the president’s speech writer has his own views. When you are a part of the bureaucracy, your views are subordinate to your duty. People who work at PMS (Presidential Management Staff) continue to work despite political turmoil. Presidents change and it doesn’t matter if they are elected or installed by other means what’s important is that they have to work to maintain order. They do not work for the president herself but for the Office of the President. To put simply, if I work as a nurse in a Brgy. Health Center, I would not stop giving vaccination to babies just because the ZTE controversy broke out.

Not all who worked for Aquino, Ramos, Estrada, and Arroyo are “balimbings” some of them are called bureaucrats.

Has He Lost His Mind?

What's with Manoling Morato?

"O bakit ba naging national artist to si Lumbera? Sino ba nakakakilala dyan? O sige, paglakarin na lang natin sila sa kalye, tingnan natin sino kilala ng tao, sila (national artists) o si Carlo J. Caparas..."

Yes, he said something like that. Not the exact words but that was more or less what he said.

Ang sakit mo sa ulo Manoling. There are standards in choosing a national artist. Hindi nadadaan sa kasikatan yan, hindi sa kung sino ang popular at kilala ng tao. He even said "kaya nga national e, dapat kilala sa buong bansa". What an idiotic point to make. He being a big baby.

It's One Thing to Try to Forgive but I Can't Forget, I have a Good Memory

I'm not sure but I think my dad reaching out. He talks to me about what happens in the news, about what our dog did, random things. I'm quite puzzled; or maybe I'm just not ready to react positively.

It made me think. I am not the kind of person who loves unconditionally. I really thought I was. I accept people's mistakes but when someone who really means something to me hurts me, I do not forget. I don't let go but I don't forget.

I remember how it felt with N. It's just like what happened to me with dad.

6 years of my life I spent loving N as my girlfriend. I did most things thinking about her - my schedule was adjusted to have a common free time with hers; my expenses for myself was a bit limited so as to save for whatever things I want to do with her or give her; when I panned my life, I thought of being with her. I always say I give her the last bite of anything because it gives me joy whenever I see her smile. I take pleasure in accompanying her to school or to work and in fetching her after even I do not own a car. She does not seem to get it when I try to see her even it would be just for a few minutes. She always tells me "wag na, hassle lang sa'yo" or "gastos lang, kaya ko naman". I insist, it doesn't matter if I get to be with her for hours or just a few minutes.

Same way with my dad. I'm not showy but I try my best not to be a burden. I buy my own stuff - clothes, shoes, bags, cellphone, things I collect, etc. I seldom ask for extra money. I never provoke him. I break the rules but not in a way that would give him serious problems (except the time when i got suspended which he didn't know btw). It's a given when I don't go with friends in out of town trips and overnight parties. I just tell people i wasn't allowed by my parents but in reality, I don't really ask for permission. It's just that i don't want to bother them, they would probably decline anyway. Most of all, I tried to be discreet with my sexuality. My friends often tell me I should come out to my parents but I said I don't need to. Sure it would give me peace to finally be myself but I wouldn't want that if I know it would cause them pain. I can hide. They are not ready; maybe they won't be, ever. My "freedom" is less important than their pride. I don't want them to be ashamed of me and themselves.

Both of them meant so much to me but when they've hurt me, I am like forever grieving. I can't let it go. For me, I did everything and they took it for granted. I cannot forget. Maybe I cannot really forgive. I will always try to understand why they offended me. I loved them so much.

Photo: http://juliekinnear.com/toronto-neighbourhoods/leslieville-real-estate/photos/memory-lane

Done Reading a Novel. Not 199.

I finished reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" yesterday morning. I must say it's a good read! It's not as heavy as 1984, my other favorite novel. I'm not really fond of reading. Maybe this is why I appreciate this book so much. It was an easy read.

The theme of racial prejudice was evident when the case of Tom Robinson was presented. My favorite part was when Scout recalls how her teacher taught about Hitler in which she depicted a cruel dictator causing injustice to the Jews and how she was proud of differentiating America as a democracy. Then Scout wondered, about how that same teacher together with the other settlers of Maycomb despised Tom Robinson, a Negro accused of raping Mayella Ewell.

And why did Mayella accused Tom? According to Tom, Mayella tempted her but was caught by her father Bob while Tom was trying to resist. Atticus concluded that in order to wash her hands of the "code" of whites not to have such relations with colored folks, she had to get rid of Tom Robinson, the very sign of her mistake.

It also showed how gender roles affected society as Scout was always reprimanded by her Aunt Alexandra for wearing overalls and emphasizing she should act like a lady.

Religion was also a part of the novel - of how people take the Bible seriously to the point they no longer live normal lives like Arthur Radley who was locked up for 15 years by his father, a foot-washer.

I love that the whole story took place at Scout's point of view. Being the narrator, she told the story with innocence and curiosity.



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mlafleche2/3320813413/ and http://rogersgardengate.com/wpblog/2008/midnight-serenade/

R.I.P. Cory

Former President Corazon Aquino died at around 3 a.m. today, Aug. 1, 2009.

I am not really a fan of Cory and Ninoy. I was born two years after the "first" but I think, the only ESDA revolution. I am not a fan of this revolt either, it is only a transition from an authoritarian rule to an oligarchy; an elite democracy. My personal view is that Cory was chosen because of her character. The widow of Ninoy who could have been the savior of the country and was brutally assasinated; the religious one, the pure one. People mourned with her, they loved her and the opposition knew the people would support her more than they would support Doy Laurel. She was perfect because she was the opposite of Marcos. She was reluctant and some say her family convinced her. The Conjuancos, land owners who were not really affected by CARP. They wanted to regain power that was lost during Martial Law, and they wanted to regain it big time.

She ran for President, was installed by People Power Revolution and was challenged by numerous coups. I think she wasn't fit to be a president, she never prepared for it; but I guess she tried. After her term, she stepped down. She wasn't the best president, she wasn't a technocrat, she wasn't pure. She was a mother. She tried to be a mother of this nation. She tried to repay the people's support for her late husband. She tried to be good for this country.


Just hearing a story about how she served food in a meeting with the labor group leaders made me feel some sense of sadness. My dad laughed, he said "wala syang ere" but continued "sanay sa pulitika sa probinsya, yung inaasikaso ang mga tao". I do not know what he really intended to say. He was never a Cory fan, he often criticized her because he was a Marcos loyalist. Maybe his views affected my views in a way. However, given my bias towards my dad, I tried to look into what he meant. I think he's impressed on how Cory acted by saying "walang ere" and tried to counteract it by saying she's used to a provincial approach to politics, almost saying "funny because she doesn't know how politics is in Macanang." I thought, he didn't consider that Cory above all is a housewife. It's not all about politics sometimes, sometimes it's just who you are.

I think she deserves respect despite her shortcomings in being the icon that she should be. I guess she never wanted to be one, but tried.

Thank you Cory for all the time you spent praying for this country. Rest in peace.



Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joegalvez/298633414/; http://www.flickr.com/photos/jowellmariano/3067434829/ and fjsanchez.wordpress.com/2009/07