TV Shows that Make Us Vomit Rainbows

Well, results of Afterellen's Hot 100 came out this week.

Women who play gay roles topped the list so you see, gay TV fandom is so powerful! LOL.

10. Lea Michele

Lea might not play a gay role on TV but the fans have been very well um, creative (probably delusional?) in thinking that off cam, since she and Diana (#8) are very close, might have gay tendencies. As they say Brittana will happen but Heya won't. Faberry can't happen but Achele can. Just plain crazy LOL.

9. Lily Loveless

I love Lily. I'm quite upset that Kathryn didn't make it to the top 10. Well, doesn't matter. She's somewhere in the Top 20 still. It's a bit surprising since Skins Series 3 ended about a year ago. She isn't gay on TV anymore. Nonetheless, she's still on the 9th spot. I actually find Naomily finale scenes overly cheesy. Like too much cheesy - but that doesn't mean I don't like em. I had a Naomily hang over last year, my tumblr was full of reblogs.

8. Diana Agron

I think if her line "I'm flattered Santana, but I'm not that into that" (referring to having sex with S) aired a week or even days before the results were out, Diana might have landed on a higher spot. #justsayin

7. Shay Mitchell

I think I should start watching Pretty Little Liars. :)

6. Amber Heard

She's the only one out on the list and she's not in some popular TV show Hooray! Tasya wasn't on the list though :(

5. Olivia Wilde

Naya Rivera @GLAAD Awards "How. Hot. Is. She.?" (referring to Olivia). Haven't watched House recently. I'm not quite sure why. Hmm. This is the second time Olivia has played a gay role on TV. The first one was on The OC. I prefer her role as 13 though (excluding the part that she hooked up with Foreman) Her character as a gay female doctor with Huntington's disease is just very complex. She plays it well plus she's so hot.

4. Sara Ramirez

I've been a fan of Grey's Anatomy long before Callie turned gay. I'm actually not so much hyped with Callie and Arizona getting married though. I think it is kind of like that in real life. You enjoy dating more than marriage. LOL It's amazing how her character shows that Callie as a person loves who she loves with all her heart. She's just as crazy for Arizona like how she was crazy for George. Not holding back just because of stereotypes.

3. Jessica Capshaw

She played a minor role on the hit series The L word - which is the first and only series to date focused on gay women - as Bette's student slash minor love/lust affair. She got in Grey's playing a bubbly lesbian pediatrician. My favorite scene of her was when she talked to Callie's dad saying she's a strong man. Clap clap!

2. Heather Morris

I read that Heather's mom doesn't approve of her playing gay on TV. (Why? Does she have gay tendencies?) Anyway, who doesn't love HeMo? I mean, she can dance like there's no tomorrow. That's definitely a plus. However, I think if the fans read about her shipping Bartie before the voting ended, she might have landed in the 100th spot. LOL

1. Naya Rivera

Straight up bitch. I guess, people have voted for Naya since her role as Santana - a teenage girl struggling with her sexuality in high school - has been a common experience for almost all gay people. At some point, you have all these feelings of fear, hate, anger, repression, confusion and doubt. And then accepting yourself becomes as hard as squashing a melon with two needles.

Fans have been disappointed that Santana and Brittany didn't end up together as girlfriends on Glee's Season 2 finale. Well, not everyone who falls in love with someone ends up being with that person right? (I even read some post that said it was disappointing that they didn't go together to prom and they thought it would be like the Loveball ending of Skins series 2. Isn't that lame if they copied Skins?)

Anywhoo, I think TV series are so much infectious. Don't complain that real life gay women celebrities didn't get to the top. If they aren't in worldwide hit TV shows, how are people supposed to know about them? Honestly, I think some progress has been made since producers are already taking the risk of having gay characters on their shows. It gives a room for the LGBT people to sit down and watch and say "hey, I could totally relate to that."

Pes

They're not as charming as you are. What's your name again?

Butterpleys. I'm not panicking this time haha this too shall pass. :))

No Title in Mind

What's going on, chicharon?

Lol. I have watched Mikey Bustos vids yesterday and got a bit addicted.

Anyway, I just thought of blogging. These are such crazy, busy days. The heat is almost unbearable. The work load is just pouring and office duties are, sometimes, crushing my bones.

BTW I have gained 20lbs in 3 months. If I was challenged in a reality show to gain weight, it would've been "chicken" to me. Heh.

So, I have no concrete blog flow. This is just a random rambling so please do not think of red marks while reading.

Three of my closest friends graduated this week - Ayee, Erika and Pao. I love them to pieces and I'm so happy we're all in the jungle now lol. I was at Ayee's grad party last night, I wish I had one too :( I got to spend time with Pao and Pma after a long long time! Exponential hearts.

I'm quite sad though, I feel like we should stop referring to Pao and Pma as Pampao. I feel like, despite unwavering public demand, they're not gonna get back together. :((

It's hard having friends you love so dearly break up. Alam mo yun? We're like their fans kaya. Huhu

So much for that. Moving on...

ALFD's lola died. We went to the wake and had a great time. I know it sounds wrong but we did hehe. It's not like we made fun of the wake ok? We just played cards and "gambled" like what old folks do on lamays. It was the first time I went to a wake with just my friends.

Oh life.

It's funny I get so irritated easily by you. Sana babae ka na lang. At sana gusto kita so you'd be my happy crush. Kaso hindeee. Pft.

I really had something to blog about but I can't. Gonna keep it to myself tonight.

Ciao siopao!

Sunday Thoughts

I used to feel so low and bored to death on Sunday afternoons. It was like a tormenting event I had to go through every week. I kind of miss those Sundays.

My brother’s going to have his graduation picture taken next week. 3rd year in Med School.

I can’t believe how time goes by so fast when you’re past 20. I remember whining and telling people I did not want to go to law school because I was already tired of studying.

Here I am now, forcing myself to sleep because I would have to go to work tom., doing a job I do not even like. I ask myself over and over again, “What have I done with my life?” I spent my childhood wanting to become a doctor. But everything changed.

I became me. Where did this come from? How did I get myself to this? The biggest question though, is “How do I get out of this?”

I think I forgot to grow up.

Having a Happy Heart

Valentine's Day is 30 minutes away. I don't have anyone at the moment. Can't say that this is the first time I'll be spending it alone. People are going to be happy and bitter and some would be unaffected.

I have a happy heart. I do not want to elaborate why. (It's not because of another person ok?)

It's as if I found a better, clearer viewfinder. It's as if I saw colors I never knew existed. It's not something fancy, nothing close to being grand. hmm. It's like sitting on a bench at the football field late in the afternoon, cold and soothing breeze, after having a bad day.

No rants, just gratitude.

This is my first post with a "happy" tag. I've been blogging for years and I'm surprised, I do not have a "happy" tag. So here, ending the day with all good vibes!

:)

P.S.

This blog I posted days after Christmas 2010

Before I mark the and of this amazing week, I think I owe some words for my blog (I’d transfer this to blogspot as soon as I remember my password :p)

For six months, I have felt that 2010 has been the worst year of my life. I would often feel so depressed that I would wonder, in the morning when I’m on my way to work, “Would a bus finally run over me this morning?”

I know, I’m one of those “heavy” people that most humans belittle. I’m not heavy in a deep way, I’m more of the emotionally wrecked type. And really, after all this time, I still have “emotion” on my priority list.

Just recently, I have admitted to my officemates slash new friends that I am gay. (which is quite a given in my opinion). They haven’t asked me about my current relationship status but Reg, one of the new ones in the office, is the only person who has an idea on this.

I refrained from answering Carlo’s queries about my past (since I have told him that I am currently single) and it makes him think that I’m still hurt/affected. It’s kind of funny when he tries to bully me into spilling the beans like “Siguro affected ka kaya ayaw mo pag-usapan” or “If you’re over that person, edi dapat wala lang sayo kahit pag-usapan sya”

I feel like my past relationship happened years ago. IDK exactly why. And yes, I think, it still has some effect on me. I guess I can’t help it since it has been a part of my life. I have held on to it for 1/3 of the years I’ve lived here on Earth.

But it feels weird, not feeling strongly about that person. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. It’s like not wanting potatoes, it’s like not missing home, it’s like I’m not me anymore.

Since 2008, I have often thought of how it feels to reach this stage. Sometimes, at the peak of disappointments, I yearn for numbness just to be able to leave my long running soap.

I can’t explain how different this feels. I’d like to think it’s just maturity or as they say, growing up. I don’t like to see this as numbness. I guess, I feel bad that I didn’t have that ability to make this certain person happy or fall in love deeply. I have tried, for seven years, and this new person comes into her life and I feel that she, the new girlfriend, has done way better than I did. In so many ways, I have felt bad - pride, jealousy, self pity, regret, incompetence, etc etc etc I thought of it a hundred times but then I asked myself, “If given the chance, would you want to make it up to her?” and I felt tiredness. I do not want to measure up to anyone or anything anymore.

Until I stopped worrying. I stopped thinking that I should join the bandwagon on moving on. That you have to be happy and you have to be able to be friends or talk about your ex without your nostrils showing up. That you have to have someone to replace the one who left you. That you have to try not to look sad in a way that people will try to associate your sadness to being single.

The last time I saw her, I admit I was not able to look into her eyes straight. Being in front of her made me feel uncomfortable. It was like having lunch with a new co-worker for the first time or meeting a friend of a friend where they talk and you’re obliged to listen. I kind of felt sad that I was there, sitting in front of someone I used to love so dearly, but at that moment, all I felt was awkwardness; as if I’m in front of someone I do not know. It feels so different to see her after a long time and not feel that longing emotion.

When we were younger, I was sure that I wanted to be friends with her if we break up. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted us to remain special. I don’t know why I stopped wanting to be part of her life. I hated her for neglecting me as a lover but now I feel like I’m allowing myself to throw a part of me away.

I have the guts to blog because a year has just ended. But after this, there’ll be no reason to write about love and relationships. (mmm, that’s so pessimistic, let me try to rephrase) After this, I might not be able to write about love and relationships the way I used to.

I do feel more at peace right now that I do not have to worry about pleasing someone or analyzing each word and monitoring the possibility of cheating etc. I do feel lonely at times when I’m so tired and I couldn’t turn to someone so I could feel warm and fuzzy.

I guess, it feels weird for me not to be in love. I have been holding on to that feeling for seven long-sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad years.

Now, I just want to buy shoes or eat out. Go home early, worry about the family. I’d like to think this does not mean I’m empty. I think I just, finally, followed that change of heart.

This is the longest P.S. I’ve written. I think a 7 year relationship deserves a nice ending but I think it’s just not a priority in our lives right now. This is what I can give as I close this chapter (ngayon lang pala magco-close? late bloomer lang haha) - my sincere and honest words.

In 2011, there’ll be new tags on my blogger account.

:)

Not Just Another Sunday

I'm savouring this moment. I don't know why. I feel like I'm holding on to something. I didn't know holidays and long weekends bring people's emotional side. Haha. Lord, please let me endure the next weeks and months :( Things are getting harder and harder for me to tolerate.

I remember there was a time when I used to hate Sundays. Like after our grocery routine, I feel so bored and drained. I feel like there's nothing else to do blahblah. It was kind of "depressing" I really don't know why. Now, I just realized, after those Sundays were whole weeks of learning in school with friends. It was wonderful.

Good Friday, Not so Good Morning

It's weird how after several years, from dreaming of a life with you, I started dreaming about being able to live a happy life without you. Yet, I fight to stay with you. I do not want to leave. I do not know why, when I'm alone, I either think of you, or think of me, sometimes think of we. There was a time when it was only "we". I wonder where that part of me went. Well, wherever it is, whatever happens... So be it.

Ayoko na Mag-isip ng Sagot

Back in college:

Dad: "Pagkatapos mo gumraduate, bahala ka na gawin mo gusto mo."

Just last night: (After watching Live AIDS)

Mom: "Tapos ka na mag-aral, di mo na kailangan yan, diversion lang yan... etc etc etc"

HA??? Ano daw? Di nga? May point ba?

Mom: "Hindi mo ko naiintindihan..." "Maiintindihan mo ko pag naging magulang ka na."

Ako kaya naintindihan nyo? Isa pa, wala yata ako plano magka-anak. Pagod na ko. Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Pera lang sana, pera na lang kailangan ko. Para makatulong sa inyo, para magkaron ng lugar na sa'kin lang, para mas simple ang mga bagay.

There's more to living than being alive.

Pag may gustong gusto kang makuha na tingin ng iba hindi para sayo tapos nakuha mo, inaabangan ng lahat ng tao yung panahon na sasabihin mo, hindi pala ganon kadali o kasaya yun.

Kunyari yung pinsan ko na ayaw lumipat sa LA dahil nandun lahat ng pamilya nya. Gusto nya i-try sa Florida kasi siguro (sabi ng tatay ko) ayaw nya na pinapakialaman sya/sila ng pamilya nya. Nung pinanganak yung anak nya at nahirapan sya mag alaga, sabi ng matatanda, yan na nga ba, ayaw pa nya dun, tingnan nyo hindi rin sya tumagal sa Florida. Wow! Tama sila! Another victory para sa mga tanders! Sa mga bata na nahihirapan at humihingi ng tulong sa mga magulang, hindi ko alam ang tawag satin. Kawawa? Hindi naman siguro. Mahirap lang, mahirap yung may gusto ka at di mo magawa kaya kailangan mo ng tulong, kaya kailangan isipin nila mali ka. Mali ba yung gustuhin mong mabuhay ayon sa gusto mo? Mali bang gustuhin mong magdesisyon para sa sarili mo? Tapos kapag dependent ka naman sa mga magulang/kamag-anak sasabihin naman nila tamad ka, wala kang sariling desisyon. Lalo na pag lalaki, sasabihin nila "wala to, hindi marunong" Gusto nila yung tamang tama lang. Yung kailangan mo sila pero wag kang abuso. Tama naman db? Pag naging successful at independent ka very proud sila. Dun lang. Dun ka lang masusunod sa buhay mo ng walang nega. Dun lang. Kelan pa kayo yun para sakin? Kasi lumipas na ang HS at ang College. Tumatanda na ko, hindi ko na kaya magtry ng mga bagong bagay, yung mga kaibigan ko tapos na sa phase na gusto kong subukan. Nakakatakot na baka kapag may resources at "right" na kong magdesisyon at mabuhay ayon sa gusto ko, tapos na; nalipasan na ko nga panahon.

Hindi ko naranasan yung outing/sleepover ng barkada tapos papasok sa Lunes ng pagod pero sobrang saya. Hindi ko naranasan yung all out na magccontribute para sa extra curricular activity na tipong walang tulog at walang uwi, hindi ko naransan na biglang lumayo pag gusto ko mapag-isa lang o magpalipas ng problema kasama ang kaibigan pag pakiramdam ko wala ako magawa. Marami akong di nagawa, na gusto ko sanang gawin. Kaya yung utak ko kung san san pumupunta. Napupunta sa mga bagay na di ko magawa kahit sa mga bagay na hindi ko gusto gawin.

Tumatanda akong nanghihinayang sa mga panahong nawala, nabubuhay ako na walang magawa kundi isipin kung kelan ko kaya mababawi yung mga panahon na sana parang normal na tao lang ako. Habang tumatagal, nagiging masama ang pakiramdam ko tungkol sa buhay ko. Na minsan gusto kong maging masaya sa bahay pero wala akong gana kasi lagi naman ako nandito at walang magawa. Minsan gusto ko magkwento sa mga kaibigan pero wala ako makwento kasi wala naman akong nararanasan na magandang i-share sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung anong maganda sakin kasi parang ang flat ng nga bagay, walang character. Kaya wala. Sino na ba talaga ko after 22 yrs? Ako yung taong laging nasa bahay, hindi close sa magulang, walang masabi sa mga usapan, wala masyadong maipagmalaki, nakukuntento dahil di maghihirap pero yun na lang yun.

Hindi ako nag-effprt mag-aral kasi yun lang ang consuelo ko. Yung malaman sa sarili ko na kahit masarap ang tulog ko sa gabi pumapasa ko habang yung iba laging ngang masaya bagsak naman. Yun lang ang spontaneous sa buhay ko - pag aaral. Dun ko lang kayang sabihin na "bahala na" na di masabi pag may lakad kasi laging "hindi ako pwede" lang ang kaya king isagot.

Kaya ayun.

You think when you're bored

I forgot to share some stories, actually most of them, when I was with her yesterday. I also did not want to react to certain things. I'm not sure if it was just low energy, a bit disappointment bec we didn't catch the 7pm show, or I was just really playing passive on purpose. The movie was the highlight. I don't remember saying anything or hearing anything that's special. We held hands for a long time, that's what I always love. Actually, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy and love the night at all. I guess it was just a bit weird that don't remember the conversation. Plus, usually when we go out, I always have something to share with friends, something that she said in particular. That's how I pay attention when she speaks, that's how I remember her words. Even things that won't interest my friends, I can't help but tell them because really, that's what I remember. I guess I'm just not used to it - that I can't recall our conversation. I also considered the possibility that I wasn't interested with her stories but, I don't think that's it. At one point, I was looking at her and I thought, does this mean I'm loving her less?

It sucks when I think this way. I want to think free - free of doubts, free of fear, free of bad memories. It's hard to do that. It's hard to reach that stage.

Then people would say all these profound things about accepting, moving on, growing up, forgiving etc. Believe me, I've done everything I could think of to find a solution. I just want to feel okay. I want to stop worrying and geting hurt and worrying about getting hurt and getting hurt because I worry.

I want to stop thinking if this is right, if by doing this I look like a fool, if I deserve it, if I'm doing it right, if my efforts are not enough, if I'm not enough... whatever. I want to wake up and go to sleep each day with peace and confidence that later or tom I won't end up crying and feeling crappy. I want to try to be ok and actually achieve that.

I want to stop thinking about this. If could just stop feeling. If could just choose to respond to things that are purely pleasant and ignore those that bring uncertainty into my life.

You know, sometimes you just want it to be sunny without any effort, without any side effects and without any deep history.