It's Not You, It's Me

I feel a little out raged. A little. That's why I'm going to blog about it then shut up. I just need to vent.

Just so you know, not everything I say or do is about you. Damn it, get over yourself you self centered ass.

FYI, if I have something to say that is heart felt may it be happiness, angst, sadness etc I do not tweet about it. If I mean to say something online that matters to me, I would blog about it. OK?

So don't take my tweets seriously and don't even bother to put yourself in between my words cause really, that is just plain ridiculous. It's not about you, it won't be. It's about me because after all, it is my blog, my posts, silly.

Do me a favor, go get a life. Or better yet, live the life that you claim you have. Got that? and get out of mine. Completely. Thank you.

The Good Things Over the Bad Ones

So you see, the universe is not so bad after all.

On Family:

My uncle's operation went well. I did not know what to say when I saw him.

A year ago, I bought a bike and asked him to teach me. He went to QC Circle every morning to jog. Waking up early always felt like a punishment for me so I got to go with him only twice. By June, I got a job and thought, "well, maybe some other time".

And then he got sick again. His leg got infected and now, it's gone. I feel deeply sorry for all the mornings I've wasted.

My dad handed his wife the death certificate, she said "kailangan pa ba nito? parang nakakatakot naman". It may sound and look morbid, it may give you goosebumps, signing a death certificate of someone (someone's leg to be exact) who's still alive makes you fear his/her death even more. But it needs to be done.

A part of him died.

He raised his right limb and held on to his thighs. Below his knee was the bondage. And then nothing. It breaks my heart seeing that a part of him died.

Amputation is such a hard way of saving a life. Yet I find relief in the fact that he is still alive. At the end of the day, we are all thankful that he's still fighting with us.

On Work:

Some people put more value in work relationships than work itself. I now find myself in the list of those "some people". I haven't been working for a long time, people might think I don't know anything about office politics and I still have the hang of college optimism, and stuff. You know, that I'm still just a "kid".

Well kids, this is just my humble opinion:

I came to realize that in a work place, ranking is a mere title just as salary is a mere figure; but character - character is the real measure of pride. I stand by people who, I know, are working hard, do not kiss ass, do not act for themselves at the expense of others, do not use their position to pick favorites, to bring down rivals, and to abuse things and people "under their authority". I have seen people do ugly things - things that are unnecessary, unfair, and worse, unethical.

I am just happy that I share bottles of beer with real people.

On Myself:

I still do not know what to do with myself. I still don't have a plan and it scares me. I'm still not an overachiever, or maybe, not yet an achiever at all. Surprisingly though, I am motivated. I think I'm done with the self-pity, I-am-a-meaningless-mediocre-person stage. So yeah, cheers!

On a Lighter Note:

Keep me diverted. I'm enjoying it. :)

Alta Presyon

How do I do this? Keri, I stay away. NOT. It's like whatever I do, I still look like an idiot. Even when I do nothing.

When Dark Clouds Surround your Dreamy Mind

If there are many gays and lesbians in our midst, fine! We should respect their rights…But they should not also go around town proclaiming their preferences as if it was a badge of honor…
Gays and lesbians should be happy society tolerates them. They should not abuse society’s doting attitude towards them. - Ramon Tulfo

I read this while browsing tumblr today. It was posted a week ago.

I realized I've been resting for a month now. I eat, sleep, surf the internet, go out for a walk, watch House etc. If I had a list, what's going on in his country was the last item on it. I lived my days relaxed, alone, peaceful. This is how it went until I heard what happened in Maguindanao. Actually, the whole thing was already in the news for 2 days before I really paid attention to it. The details give me goosebumps, the incident itself makes me want to just shut up and feel scared. What the fuck is happening in this country?

I wrote blogs about the presidentiables months ago. I was talking about Villar and Mar when I stopped. Noynoy came into the picture, Chiz then not Chiz, Erap again - there's just so many things that's happening I can't even begin to write them down. It's a goddamn circus.

And now, as I write again, I write about these terrible news that currently flood the people's mind, including mine.

“My wife’s private parts were slashed four times, after which they fired a bullet into it. They speared both of her eyes, shot both her breasts, cut off her feet, fired into her mouth. I could not begin to describe the manner by which they treated her.” — Buluan Vice Mayor Esmael Mangudadatu

How violent can people get? Are we in fucking ancient China? They just buried people for Chrissake it's getting unbelievably disgusting. Is this the democracy they're bragging about?

And now, Tulfo, the oh-so-macho journalist thinks gays and lesbians are trying to abuse society.

Oo nga naman, hayaan nyo na lang yung mga “machong” lalaki mambugbog ng asawa, mam-bully ng anak at kapit-bahay, mambabae. Astig yun! Baka yun ang badge of honor? Tapos gawin natin silang congressman, governor, tapos may private army sila para may maipang-massacre. Nakakadiri kaya mga bading at tomboy compared sa machong lalaki.

Tulfo, you fucking idiot. Have you thought about life? What if one of the victims in the Maguindanao massacre was a young gay/lesbian journalist who haven't lived his/her life because of people like you? People who restrict, who command, who judge. People who say "makuntento ka na lang, tino-tolerate ka na nga gusto mo pa magkaron ng representation". Yup, just limit what other people wants to achieve. Macho ka e, suntukin mo na lang kaya si Danton Remoto para mas astig ka. How can you even belittle gays and lesbians for immorality when fucking straight people can be just as or more immoral than them. Will the COMELEC ban every Ampatuan who plans to run for office? Can they? All they can bully are groups who seek representation. For Chrissake, there's a Marijuana Party in Canada and the US, the Western "idols" of this third world country, and the COMELEC can't even grant a level playing field for gays and lesbians. Yes, not even a chance.

Sometimes, I wish it was that easy to seclude yourself a dream of your life ahead.

Longoverdue

So here we go now.

I got this funny feeling that led one thing to another. That eventually semi-ruined my day and made me realize I should not be getting fat. Blablabla

I was with some old friends yesterday. They both brought their "friends" with them. You know, people they think they might like. One of my friends asked me if I wanted to be "matched" with some girl. I got a bit annoyed. I don't like those things, I don't like being matched, I'm not fond of "getting to know" other people.

For more than a year, I faced the most difficult challenge in my life so far. Some may find it funny, I'm tired of explaining myself so yeah, you can all laugh now. I've said this twice but now, I would type it down: Last October, I felt really tired of things. I didn't know what direction my thesis would take. The data I needed was disposed by the DILG (that reminds me, I should blog about inefficient archiving) and I was running out of time. That day I rush from Q.C. to Manila taking no lunch break, not even a drop of water. I scanned God knows how many books to find some useful data. I went srtaight to Makati to meet Miko and to eat "lunch" at 6:00 p.m. I went home feeling tired of all that happened that day, having a slight fever. Then I saw something when I went online. My heartbeat was so fast it's as if it's palpitating. Like all those days when I saw something that reminds me of what shit I had to go through, when I saw something I begged not to happen, I let it out by saying what I feel. And the one I talked to apparently was tired of me. That was the time I felt the just the same. I was tired too. For years I prioritized relationships because that made me happy. Ang sakit naman kasi, 'yun lang naman yung oras ko para mamroblema sa acads bakit kailangan pang sumama na naman yung loob ko.

And yes, up until now I feel this half-empty, half-full thing. I'm actually thankful. I'm tired of giving everything I can. I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of her not wanting me, not avoiding what hurts me. It's sad when I ponder on things and I always realize that I still love her but it doesn't really matter anymore.

Sunday, Aug 30, 2009

I told myself to stay away but I gave in. It may be a good thing. It may be good bye.

Mars Vs. Caparas

Mars Ravelo's Family Breaks Silence on Carlo J. Caparas Award

A contact from Plurk shared this link and I am re posting. Erika and I have talked about this issue last week. It was said loud and clear that Manoling Morato is a moron blabbing about how great Carlo J. Caparas is. Nailabas na ang pagiging agit at lahat. But it does not seem to stop. Everytime I read atricles about this issue, I end up frowning.

What the hell is with Manoling and Carlo J.?

Manoling tries to defend his dear Carlo J. by lambasting other artists. And take note, artists na hindi ka-level ni Caparas. As in he's way under their level. Morato's arguments are just so idiotic.

Caparas on the other hand, tries to defend himself as well. As in effort! Parang pinagpipilitan na niya ang award sa kanya.

And one more thing, I may not be a Mars Ravelo fan but indeed, her deserve the NAA more than Carlo Caparas. Carlo may have produced a great number of komiks (none of them I knew of btw) but always remember, it's not about the quantity but the quality.

Illustration by David Sysing

Has He Lost His Mind?

What's with Manoling Morato?

"O bakit ba naging national artist to si Lumbera? Sino ba nakakakilala dyan? O sige, paglakarin na lang natin sila sa kalye, tingnan natin sino kilala ng tao, sila (national artists) o si Carlo J. Caparas..."

Yes, he said something like that. Not the exact words but that was more or less what he said.

Ang sakit mo sa ulo Manoling. There are standards in choosing a national artist. Hindi nadadaan sa kasikatan yan, hindi sa kung sino ang popular at kilala ng tao. He even said "kaya nga national e, dapat kilala sa buong bansa". What an idiotic point to make. He being a big baby.

What a Roller Coaster Feeling

I did not have plans of posting anything today since I have lots of things to do. However, I think I need an outlet. It's almost 2am.

I had a great day. Things started to mess my mood when I got home though.

So first, today was Miko's dinner treat! We ate with Neka and Thesa. The conversations we had were so much fun and well, "interesting". Like what Miko said, it's feels good to know you have sensible friends. I always enjoy conversations that touch just about any part of life. I like it when we analyze (or anal-yze) things and not just talk about them. Why did the entrance of TOSH didn't look so TOSH, why does MRT represent the "market" that establishments would like to attract, why are activists finding it hard to mobilize people. Stuff like that. Anyway, the food and the conversations made my night. I even told Miko, I wanted to just sleep when I get home. It's like feeling "solb na ko sa araw na to". But we do what we have to do.

After an hour and a half, I got home. A little annoyed with the traffic, I went straight to check my mail. No emails from group mates - now I'm pissed. So then I took a nap, just to energize myself. I woke up just now, I haven't done anything for 199 yet. I checked my phone, no message from that someone. All the while I thought, maybe not yet home, maybe busy, maybe just a message to say good night. But I was wrong again. Parang wala na. Ewan ko.

I wish the conversations over dinner never ended - into this kind of atmosphere at least.

Thank you Miko, Thesa, Neka. Dinner was like some cushion that enabled me not to scream, thinking it was just one of those "crappiest days".