Unwanted

This is evil. I'm beginning to appreciate your scent. No, please, no!

You, people!

It's amazing to know how people are connected.

Background: T's friend, E (who was my crush back in 06), interviewed me last week.

Just in 5 minutes:
E, interviewed me with 3 other BDAs.
B is friends with my (then) close friend from HS L.
M has a sibling that is a friend of the one who interviewed me for a school project (docu in one of her film classes), T (another).

It's also actually interesting to know how people are NOT, connected anymore. Common friends with T? I, who's the only guy in our group (06 batch) and C, a former group mate who took the same course as T. Where are all the girls? I guess, they're distant enough not to know T has a Facebook account. Sigh.

Am I just overanalyzing o may mga details lang talagang samana-wrong

Today:

Woke up.
Called Mon.
"Pa-load."
"Ok, number?"
"..."

Went back to my room.
Dialed.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
"Hello?"
etc.
"Who's this?"
"Si Mela."
"Oh, hellooo!" (perky)
"Ito number mo?"
"Hindi naman ako nagpalit, ito pa rin yung luma."
"Oh, talaga?"
"Bakit ka tumawag? Merry Christmas!"
"Happy New Year."
"Yaman mo a, bakit ka tumawag?"
"Sira phone ko, minsan di maka-receive and makasend."
"Di mo pa rin pinapalitan?"
"Di pa e, baka yung sim ang problema"
"Tinext kita a."
"Wala akong na-receive. Saan mo sinend?"
"Dyan, sa number na yan."
...
"O sige na, ... tawagan na lang kita mamaya"
"Wag na nagttrabaho ka e"

"Who's this?" tapos tinext mo ko sa number na 'to? Parang fail...

How to Catch Up

I really don't know how to write things down. I've been lazy as usual.

Phone line's back, I've got nothing to do at home. Still jobless, still not looking hard for work. I live my days in thinking where to spend time or what to do on the internet.

I'm very nosey these days. I go on sites like tumblr, postsecret, FML very often. Very bored.

Now where do I start?

Rereading

I want to find old accounts and delete entries. I'm sure I would find things that would irk me lol. Just 5 minutes ago I thought I should delete those posts about the whatever we all call it - shit. But well, I have no energy to exert more effort on that subject matter. Simply put, I'm tired.

Now, what were those accounts and passwords? (doh)

This Post is Very Lame

I'm back on line! I slept at around 4am yesterday just to finish another installment of 199.

Gah. My cousin added me on FB. Family in my contact list is just a no-no! Haha my mom and ninang did not add me YET. Ugh.

I'm not posting much there so I guess I'll just keep it that way!'

I'm currently at my room. YEAH! Free Wifi from a neighbor! haha very nice :D

Not yet in the mood to write things. I couldn't think much, I just woke up.

Ciao!

Up Hangover

I just thought yesterday, since I had nothing to say to N, that I was Carl and Pam was Russel. I kind of smiled as I read my own message and quickly sent it to Pam and Ayee. Ayee asked "So sino ako? Si Kevin?" I initially thought of Erika (solely because of the name itself) but I guess she doesn't want to be Kevin; and the role playing of Up itself. I said "Yes! Because you're makulay!" And we were the cast of Up already :D

The movie did not make me cry but it sure made me feel sad. Carl and Ellie - childhood sweethearts, dreamt of going to Paradise Lost,

got married, built their home,

and stayed together until Ellie left.

I'm Carl because I'm grumpy like that.

I'm Carl because...



I have to get a toy and a shirt!

One Thing From FB

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?


I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different. What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away."

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

From Gel :-)

The One That Got Away
Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

Memoirs of a Happy Crush

Ok, bakit ayaw bumaba nung picture?

Anyway, I was a little drunk yesterday that's why I didn't bother to write seriously. Today, I slept for hours and woke up hungry. While waiting for my food, I went on line. "Stalked" and got disappointed. I was at the verge of going emo and heavy again. I was seriously teary-eyed. I told myself, I do not know what to do anymore to be important to that someone. It's hopeless.

Then just before I logged out I noticed something on my mail. "Franne Cheska Ramos tagged you in a note" I checked it and this was what I saw.

13. What's your fondest memory of mela rosal?
- tigang laway days. MR. BAKZ days. random LB trip. pati yung araw na nakaubos kami ng 300 each sa timezone. wow andami. i miss you mr bakz! iniwan na tayo ni miko!

I suddenly missed those days again. I never seemed to get those back - such worry free days. I enjoyed Cheska's company back then because I liked her and at the same time i don't want her. It was a happy crush, meaningless, more fun only. What's good about it is that she can make my day but never break it.

As time passed though, I seldom see her (though she appears whenever I'm in an unbearable bad mood and that was quite impressive) and she underwent some serious changes which were not so cool btw. (e.g. her vegtable-ness expired and all that "chismis") I slowly lost that happy feeling when I see her. I'm not sure why. Nonetheless, I miss her and those days. I miss having someone to stalk and like without even the tiniest string attached. I have such fond memories of her because she never got to hurt me, I was incapable of feeling that. I wish there will be another happy cruch along the way. It's so much fun :)

I asked her why didn't she mention the sunflower day. I enjoyed that day very much. I remember giving her breadsticks that day. Actually, I remember buying cake slices at Chockiss, those small donuts at hot loops and cookies from my friend Cristine (who was her friend too woot) supposedly for our friends but actually I had bought them for her (I shared it to everyone so it wouldn't be so obvious). She made mac and cheese (for me I suppose) the day we went to Timezone. I thought it was amazing, I can't remember anyone who cooked for me. I had always asked N to do that but she always refused, says she's not a good cook. I'm not comparing though. I just thought it was great to eat something made by someone (that's edible of course). I especially like the random LB trip. Haha. We were both bloated. Imagine having a meal at Bonito's then after some walking we went straight to Raymundo for proven and bought the small chocolate cake at Mernel's, yes just for ourselves. We weren't able to finish though, the small cake was big for us (all the "very small cakes" were sold) and the funny thing is that the cake was heart-shaped. Parang ayoko bilhin HAHAHA.

Oh well, Cheska was not able to actually make my day this time, but at least she gave me some diversion. LAWAY.

I am Just Paranoid by Nature

I was a bit worried why my views have gone up to 40. Miko is my one and only follower. How in the world would that number appear in my views?

I saw her reply on my last post. Then I saw the words "7 views" on the side. I was thinking "No way, that's impossible!"

I thought for a while. I happen to see a typo error and of course, I immediately edited the post. I clicked "View blog" then it appeared again "8 views". "Aha!" I said to myself with a sigh of relief. Miko and I are still alone in my place in this cyber thing.

Well, it only shows how many times I view my own posts to search for errors. Every time I see one, I quickly (right) click the pencil icon to open it in new tab then edit then "View blog". I go back to my window and search for more. I never really get to write right. Haha. But it's good to know I'm still isolated.

I've been waiting for hours. My messages still unanswered. I recall, about a month ago I was not feeling this way. Everything was fine. It wasn't exactly euphoria but it wasn't as awful as this either. Sometimes I feel so weak. Physically and emotionally. I cannot think clear, my words are not the best things I could say. My timing got worse, my arguments became vague. I became this clown that drew someone farther and farther away from me; that drew myself farther and farther away from who I am, from who I want to be.

I no longer know what to think about, what to feel.
"I'm no longer willing to do everything for you, for us." I felt like I was at one of the lowest points in my life. How do I get you back? How do I get myself back?

I am waiting for something that maybe does not exist anymore.
You do not even bother to reply. Does that mean you don't want me anymore? I am just someone who runs after you?

Something's Not Right Today

I am bargaining. I've said cheeze-cheezy stuff again. When I think about it, I take a deep breath. What the... it's a big headache. Why do I say those things? Sure it's a close approximation of how I feel, but it's very heavy - well, exactly how I feel.

I really don't know where I'm getting at, both with this blog and with my ongoing conversation with someone. I want one thing and in the process of trying to get it, we both speak of words that are not really delightful. Sometimes I wonder, will we ever forget all these words? Or will the lines fade without bringing the essence of our blunt and cold speeches?

So, what the hell am I doing? I could still remember, I wasn't always like this. Wasn't there a time when I had so much pride? When was that, 5 or 6 years ago? It's a long time ago I know, but it's not like I was a baby then right? Malapit pa rin naman. I wonder what happened to me. Sometimes I contemplate on the past years of my life. Was I more "me" back then? Is this really who I am right now? Because I really quite fucked up.

I'm giving more effort on this roller coaster relationship than on my paper which needs full attention by the way.

I try to use logic when I reason out.

I am A. She is B. The third party is C. (ok bakit swak?)
where A and B and are positive integers while C is the biggest negative integer (in this set)

Anyway,
A + B = any positive integer
B + C = biggest negative integer
A + B + C = still, the biggest negative integer

So without C, A and B will be any positive integer, therefore all we have to do is eliminate C in this equation so as not to yield any negative integer. Ok?

I think it's pretty much simple. I don't know why it became so complicated.

photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/vittoo/1762411976/

I am Something

I am puzzled about how I feel and what I should do. It begins to give me goosebumps when I say the word "love". I guess I over used it. So maybe I should think of another word to replace it. How about влюбленность? Ok that's better.

I влюбленность N but there's just so many issues involved in our relationship. It's stressful to think "Why is she not texting me?" "Why does she want to leave?" "What if we settled things weeks ago?" "What if we understood each other?" "What could have happened if she did exactly what was agreed upon?" "What could have happened if I listened?"

I am hopeful but sad and angry. Why should I feel all sorts of things when all I wanted was peace of mind, security and влюбленность?

I just want things to be easy and normal. I just fucking want to go back to being dreamy and secured. That's all. I do not want anything that would arouse suspicion. I want things clear. I want things right. I want things simple. влюбленность, as cheesy as it sounds (not this time cause I know we both can't pronounce that) is what I want. OK? Ayoko na ng maraming dahilan at arte.

photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/giovannijl-s_photohut/1293269392/

Breezy Friday

Having slept for about 10 hours on a Thursday night meant not being able to re-read the articles for my 199 exam the next day.

I prepared for school and put on one of my favorite button down shirts (50php from Katipunan ukay-ukay) and my favorite pants (I realized it's my favorite just now).

No texts except from Miko's invite to hangout at FC which she canceled about an hour later. I thought "sayang naman suot ko, sayang naman it's a Friday."

So then after my exam, I texted some people. As usual Pam replied. Hurrah! I was about to go to CMC when someone from the mob called me. It was VJ and Ralph, Pao's orgmates. They called me to join the Rally - No to ConAss, Oust Gloria. I went. It was embarrassing to decline VJs invitation, I have been hitching to Robinson's for days. Haha. They were very perky, it made the rally fun somehow.

Rallies - on my first year in Diliman, I was a little inclined and sympathetic to these movements. Part of which Pao was responsible, part of it maybe was caused by my idealism and another part is Silay. Yes, the one I stalked with the help of Ja that brought us to the Interfaith Rally at Ayala Ave. last year.

However, as time passed, I felt distant to these things. Partly because there was this annoying activist that spoke of rallies every time she sees me, partly because the political science approach is more conservative (for the lack of a better, shorter word) and partly because I feel that the "Left's" arguments are not that well-organized.

So there, I felt like a big poser. Every time cameras would be near our spot I bowed down pretending to use my phone. I do not want to think I have lost my idealism. I just do not see myself in this kind of movement. I just do not get why Gloria should be ousted when she has a few months left. I do not mean to promote apathy, I just think it's no longer logical to ask for that. Political instability might even bring the economy to a worse position. Besides, this is power politics. But not at its worst because we are not in Myanmar. The majority of the population is poor but the middle class is listening to their ipods, drinking coffee at Katipunan Ave., thinking of exams for next week, thinking of basketball games, parties, drinking sessions, sex, typing their blogs. What is there to really complain about? We could all recognize poverty but do not feel the extent of it. We are not in the Martial Law era. How do you arouse activism these days? I do not know. I do not have the heart of an activist. Maybe shame on me. But it's a bigger shame to join without believing a cause then go on with life after college to join the other side of the spectrum.

Anyway, why is it a breezy Friday? After the mob, Pam, Joy and I went to eat. Bucket meal! Haha after more than a month of inviting people to feast on a bucket meal, here we are at last! ok, so after eating we went to Joy's place to do some fixing in her unit. Ice came and they talked about audition stuff while Pam and I play Exhaust. We tried to watch a pirated copy of "The Proposal". Fail! We ended up watching Friends. After 2 episodes, Pam and I left.

It was really light and calm and fun but not exagerated or life-altering. It was breezy.

But then when I came home, I began to think of things again. Stupid things. And I ended up doing like what Monica did. Negate the breezy feel. It's quite funny when I think of it. Its still quite sad though. I don't know. Maybe when we zoom in this picture to 10 years from now, this will just be the unnoticed background.

Yadayada

photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/johnparaguya/2775088608/