We're Just Friends

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Word Diaries 1

Not Just Another Sunday

I'm savouring this moment. I don't know why. I feel like I'm holding on to something. I didn't know holidays and long weekends bring people's emotional side. Haha. Lord, please let me endure the next weeks and months :( Things are getting harder and harder for me to tolerate.

I remember there was a time when I used to hate Sundays. Like after our grocery routine, I feel so bored and drained. I feel like there's nothing else to do blahblah. It was kind of "depressing" I really don't know why. Now, I just realized, after those Sundays were whole weeks of learning in school with friends. It was wonderful.

:)

It's been a great week!

Tue: Had dinner with Carmi and Pam. Went to Taytay to visit Carmi's mom. Got her things from Kuya Bongit's shop and transferred them to Pma's place. First motorcycle ride! (from Taytay to Cainta junction)

Wed: Chicken all you can at Max's with my family! Plus late night expo hang out with N.

Fri: Dinner at Cibola. Erika Kevin Fiona Carmi Zion Pam Pao Joy Neka Grace. Just like the old times :)

May I emphasize? I LOVE TODAY.

Unwanted

This is evil. I'm beginning to appreciate your scent. No, please, no!

Work. .

I'm blogging because I feel like I need to already. It's been two weeks since I started working..So there, nothing more to say.

Let me have a cookie.

I Don't Want to be Anti-Gordon but...

Some of his supporters are getting into my nerves. Emphasizing on some. First, I would like to quote my friend:

"kagagawan yata ng kulturang popular ang pagkakaroon ng avalanche of dick vs gibo supporters sa facebook." - Carmi Alfonso

I think I'm going to agree with this. Biglang dumami yung Gibo and Gordon. I have nothing against that. People should make their choice right? Nakakatuwa nga actually nung una kasi here, you see people taking the risk of casting their vote to candidates who aren't leading in the surveys.

But then I saw some comments from some Gordon supporters. It started in Pat Evangelista's article posted on FB. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of hers, that was the first time I've read something written by Pat. Some comments were so passionate to the point that they bash other people's ability to think for themselves. Making them sound like they're the only intelligent people in this land. That's just so wrong. Some of them speak like Gordon is THE right choice, kumbaga sa math problem, he is THE right answer. Seriously? That's why we have elections people! We have the right and the ability to make a choice. IT'S A CHOICE! So please, don't talk like you have the monopoly of right answers.

There was one comment that struck me most. This supporter points out Singapore as an example, comparing Gordon's style to that of Lee Kuan Yew. I just had have to laugh. Really? You want to compare LKY with Gordon? I don't think that's as easy as you think it is. Do you know your country? Do you know Singapore? Napakalayo naman. Singapore is just a miniscule of the Philippines' land area. We are living in an archipelago, we are over populated. So please don't say Singapore-Philippines period. Wala man lang explanation. See, sometimes that's the problem, people argue without justification. Pft.

Oh well, the race is over. We should just work together and stop calling the Filipinos idiots stupid etc. Sige kayo na matalino. Bleh.

Just Saying

This is a repost of my blog from FB (May 9, 2010)

I'm very excited for this year's elections because it's the first time I'm going to cast my vote. I will vote for Gibo. And before you throw stones at me, I just want to clear, I am not pro-GMA. Well, I don't want to insult you by emphasizing that but just to be sure, you know.

I was actually thinking of Perlas at first, he got me at Probe Profiles. You know, the counter-culture feeling that hey, this is the alternative. It's like going vegetarian when a branch of McDonald's just opened across the street. This brave man with conviction and vision. He lost me on the debates though. Vision? Not quite. I can't say he's that prepared. He's a bureaucrat, yes, a plus over Bro. Eddie I guess. But what about the economy? Plans for the BPO's? Housing? I've heard mostly about agriculture, which is a good thing of course, but I believe he has to have concrete plans about other sectors too.

Then there was Gordon. The man has excellent credentials, volunteer of Red Cross, held executive and appointed positions, very competent and the leading choice of young people I know. (pati yung crush ko, yee!) He just lost me at Head Start. He kept on saying "You people..." "kaya kayo mahirap" blablabla. He's a no nonsense guy but he can't inspire me. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a romantic looking for Noynoy's parent's love for democracy as my inspiration and so on. That he owes it to the Filipino people to run and then he continues on saying "you people" - I just can't vote for him now. Hello nga pala sa mga smuggled cars sa Subic.

Being the agit person that I am, I think mas bagay na suportahan ko si Gordon (This is an inside joke)

But in line with Gibo's positive campaign, I would stop at that shout out and leave the highly quahlified Gordon alone. I don't want to bash him. Again, I still think he's highly qualified for the position.

Gibo got my attention through the debates. First, I want to say that I have faith in his vision and I believe he is highly qualified too.

One answer I could never forget was his answer to the question (not verbatim) "If elected as president, hahabulin nyo ba si GMA sa mga anomalyang ginawa nya?" Everyone said yes with varied "patutsada" I don't even remember a thing because bottom line, it was a yes. Then Gibo says if there's evidence, then take it to the courts, that he is in no position to decide on that matter. Playing safe? Playing GMA's puppet? Not quite. He's just thinking as a president. Maybe he read about the three branches of government, the executive, legislative, and judiciary which are co-equal and independent of each other by the way. Meaning? Yes, according to the constitution of this land, if he wins, he is in no position to dictate the courts of what to do. Yun ang gusto ko. Aside from being qualified, he is someone who knows what a president is. Starts from the basic rules and says whatever is right and not just popular. For all those who said yes, nakakatakot kayo. If you plan to use your powers against GMA, you can use your powers to God knows who as well. I just want a president who doesn't give us false hopes and gets us to vote w/o hating/blaming someone at the same time. Plataporma lang na malinaw.

I want to end this note by saying, I admire and salute people who are voting because they believe in their candidate. I applaud them for not being discouraged by surveys. Hindi po ako natanong sa survey, actually wala pa kong kakilala o kahit kakilala ng kakilala ng kakilala na natanong sa survey. So don't waste your vote, itiman mo ang bilog sa tabi ng pangalan ng kandidatong pinaniniwalaan mo, wag yung leading sa SWS or Pulse Asia. Malay mo, 50% ng boboto sa mga nangunguna sa survey, nagpapadala lang pala sa agos.

Let's Change Directions

I kind of regret posting so much non sense in this blog. Let's do this again, shall we? :)

Started a new one

http://therewillcomeatime.blogspot.com/

Ciao!

Ang mga Huling Kumento

Dahil pawala na ang Grad hype ko, pwede na ako mag blog. Kung tungkol sa Cheer Dance Compet nga sinusulat ko, dapat ito din.

Minsan naiisip ko, hindi rin pala simple ang nakalipas na 5 taon. Ang dami ko ng pinagdaanan. Nag BS Math ako sa UPLB nung 1st year, Pre-Dent sa UPM ng 2nd year, Polsc sa Diliman nung 3rd year hanggang sa napagod na'ko kaka-shift at tinapos ko na.

Nagkaroon na ko ng phase kung saan nag struggle akong kilalanin ang sarili ko, tapos nagkaroon ako ng freedom phase - nagyosi, inuman, mga usapang paglaban sa status quo, etc. Tapos biglang may clique phase, sandamakmak na chismisan, panglalait, tuksuhan. Meron ding anti-social period (matagal to e) - yung wala lang ako kinakausap sa mga kaklase ko tapos hindi ako nagsusuklay, nakapambahay ako lagi, ang luluwag ng suot ko't nakatsinelas pa'ko nung parang gulong, yun bang ako yung tipo ng taong di mo iisiping i-chummy. Nagkaron din ako ng cranky phase - nakakainis lahat ng tao, napaka-corny ng love konsepto lang naman yun, lahat ng nagrerecite nagmamagaling etc. Ewan ko, lately nagka conscious phase naman ako. Tinatanong ko yung mga kaibigan ko lagi "mataba ba ko?" "mukha ba kong tomboy?" "may dumi ba ko sa mukha?" "pangit na ba buhok ko?" "halata bang madumi sapatos ko?".

Hindi ko na rin minsan malaman, ano na ba talaga ako sa mga nabanggit? Wala, lahat, depende sa panahon. Basta ang alam ko, pagkatapos ng 5 taon, masaya ako sa mga naranasan ko. Pagkatapos ng 5 taon, alam kong natuto ako.

Syempre nagpapasalamat ako sa Diyos, sa magulang ko, pamilya ko, mga kaibigan ko, mga guro (lalo na kay Prof. Casambre), kay sered na rin siguro... pero higit sa lahat, nagpapasalamat ako sa sarili ko. Dahil sa lahat ng intra at interpersonal kong problema, sa lahat ng hinanakit ko sa pamilya, sa lahat ng panghihinayang ko sa buhay, sa bawat pangiinsulto sa pagkatao ko, sa lahat ng pagkakataong nasakatan ang puso ko, sa lahat ng pagka-cut at inumang inuna ko, sa lahat ng "agit at nega na energy" at katamaran na dala-dala ko sa aking katawan, sa bawat segundong inisip ko sana maglaho na lang ako, hindi ako nagpatalo. Hindi ako sumuko. Kahit wala na kong data at di pa ko kumakain, kahit namumugto ang mata kong pumapasok sa klase, kahit nauubos ang baon ko sa pagpapa-photocopy, kahit sumasakit ang paa ko sa paglalakad, kahit gutom ako sa klase, o inaantok, kahit bored na bored na ko sa buhay ko, kahit ayaw sakin ng prof o ng mga group mates ko at kahit pa pinagdududahan ko na ang sarili ko, tinapos ko.

Hindi man ako kasing talino at sing galing ng ibang tao, maging kasing yaman ng pinangarap ko, masaya ako.Hindi matatawaran ang under grad experience.

Ok, so unemployed ako. Sabi nga nung Suma ng Ling, welcome sa gubat ng kahirapan!!!

PS nakakalungkot baka wala na'ko ma-post under UP tag :(

Change of Plans

I was about to blog about shit again but then... this someone made me smile again. Wow! I know, I dismissed the thought 2 years ago. I just miss the old times I guess. I so miss them all. This is a fake phase, but thanks for making me smile! Woot!

Blunt Fest

Is it so hard to be warm to the person you love? You're busy, you're out somewhere, having fun, always doing something. Maybe it isn't love, or there isn't enough love.

Good Friday, Not so Good Morning

It's weird how after several years, from dreaming of a life with you, I started dreaming about being able to live a happy life without you. Yet, I fight to stay with you. I do not want to leave. I do not know why, when I'm alone, I either think of you, or think of me, sometimes think of we. There was a time when it was only "we". I wonder where that part of me went. Well, wherever it is, whatever happens... So be it.

Ayoko na Mag-isip ng Sagot

Back in college:

Dad: "Pagkatapos mo gumraduate, bahala ka na gawin mo gusto mo."

Just last night: (After watching Live AIDS)

Mom: "Tapos ka na mag-aral, di mo na kailangan yan, diversion lang yan... etc etc etc"

HA??? Ano daw? Di nga? May point ba?

Mom: "Hindi mo ko naiintindihan..." "Maiintindihan mo ko pag naging magulang ka na."

Ako kaya naintindihan nyo? Isa pa, wala yata ako plano magka-anak. Pagod na ko. Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Pera lang sana, pera na lang kailangan ko. Para makatulong sa inyo, para magkaron ng lugar na sa'kin lang, para mas simple ang mga bagay.

There's more to living than being alive.

Pag may gustong gusto kang makuha na tingin ng iba hindi para sayo tapos nakuha mo, inaabangan ng lahat ng tao yung panahon na sasabihin mo, hindi pala ganon kadali o kasaya yun.

Kunyari yung pinsan ko na ayaw lumipat sa LA dahil nandun lahat ng pamilya nya. Gusto nya i-try sa Florida kasi siguro (sabi ng tatay ko) ayaw nya na pinapakialaman sya/sila ng pamilya nya. Nung pinanganak yung anak nya at nahirapan sya mag alaga, sabi ng matatanda, yan na nga ba, ayaw pa nya dun, tingnan nyo hindi rin sya tumagal sa Florida. Wow! Tama sila! Another victory para sa mga tanders! Sa mga bata na nahihirapan at humihingi ng tulong sa mga magulang, hindi ko alam ang tawag satin. Kawawa? Hindi naman siguro. Mahirap lang, mahirap yung may gusto ka at di mo magawa kaya kailangan mo ng tulong, kaya kailangan isipin nila mali ka. Mali ba yung gustuhin mong mabuhay ayon sa gusto mo? Mali bang gustuhin mong magdesisyon para sa sarili mo? Tapos kapag dependent ka naman sa mga magulang/kamag-anak sasabihin naman nila tamad ka, wala kang sariling desisyon. Lalo na pag lalaki, sasabihin nila "wala to, hindi marunong" Gusto nila yung tamang tama lang. Yung kailangan mo sila pero wag kang abuso. Tama naman db? Pag naging successful at independent ka very proud sila. Dun lang. Dun ka lang masusunod sa buhay mo ng walang nega. Dun lang. Kelan pa kayo yun para sakin? Kasi lumipas na ang HS at ang College. Tumatanda na ko, hindi ko na kaya magtry ng mga bagong bagay, yung mga kaibigan ko tapos na sa phase na gusto kong subukan. Nakakatakot na baka kapag may resources at "right" na kong magdesisyon at mabuhay ayon sa gusto ko, tapos na; nalipasan na ko nga panahon.

Hindi ko naranasan yung outing/sleepover ng barkada tapos papasok sa Lunes ng pagod pero sobrang saya. Hindi ko naranasan yung all out na magccontribute para sa extra curricular activity na tipong walang tulog at walang uwi, hindi ko naransan na biglang lumayo pag gusto ko mapag-isa lang o magpalipas ng problema kasama ang kaibigan pag pakiramdam ko wala ako magawa. Marami akong di nagawa, na gusto ko sanang gawin. Kaya yung utak ko kung san san pumupunta. Napupunta sa mga bagay na di ko magawa kahit sa mga bagay na hindi ko gusto gawin.

Tumatanda akong nanghihinayang sa mga panahong nawala, nabubuhay ako na walang magawa kundi isipin kung kelan ko kaya mababawi yung mga panahon na sana parang normal na tao lang ako. Habang tumatagal, nagiging masama ang pakiramdam ko tungkol sa buhay ko. Na minsan gusto kong maging masaya sa bahay pero wala akong gana kasi lagi naman ako nandito at walang magawa. Minsan gusto ko magkwento sa mga kaibigan pero wala ako makwento kasi wala naman akong nararanasan na magandang i-share sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung anong maganda sakin kasi parang ang flat ng nga bagay, walang character. Kaya wala. Sino na ba talaga ko after 22 yrs? Ako yung taong laging nasa bahay, hindi close sa magulang, walang masabi sa mga usapan, wala masyadong maipagmalaki, nakukuntento dahil di maghihirap pero yun na lang yun.

Hindi ako nag-effprt mag-aral kasi yun lang ang consuelo ko. Yung malaman sa sarili ko na kahit masarap ang tulog ko sa gabi pumapasa ko habang yung iba laging ngang masaya bagsak naman. Yun lang ang spontaneous sa buhay ko - pag aaral. Dun ko lang kayang sabihin na "bahala na" na di masabi pag may lakad kasi laging "hindi ako pwede" lang ang kaya king isagot.

Kaya ayun.

You, people!

It's amazing to know how people are connected.

Background: T's friend, E (who was my crush back in 06), interviewed me last week.

Just in 5 minutes:
E, interviewed me with 3 other BDAs.
B is friends with my (then) close friend from HS L.
M has a sibling that is a friend of the one who interviewed me for a school project (docu in one of her film classes), T (another).

It's also actually interesting to know how people are NOT, connected anymore. Common friends with T? I, who's the only guy in our group (06 batch) and C, a former group mate who took the same course as T. Where are all the girls? I guess, they're distant enough not to know T has a Facebook account. Sigh.

Anti BV

When I think about how you're mean and awful a lot of times and I want not to focus on that, I think of how I love holding your hand in the movies.
When I think about you not wanting me that much, I think of how sad it is if you leave this country or whatever (I don't want to type that =/ right?)

You think when you're bored

I forgot to share some stories, actually most of them, when I was with her yesterday. I also did not want to react to certain things. I'm not sure if it was just low energy, a bit disappointment bec we didn't catch the 7pm show, or I was just really playing passive on purpose. The movie was the highlight. I don't remember saying anything or hearing anything that's special. We held hands for a long time, that's what I always love. Actually, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy and love the night at all. I guess it was just a bit weird that don't remember the conversation. Plus, usually when we go out, I always have something to share with friends, something that she said in particular. That's how I pay attention when she speaks, that's how I remember her words. Even things that won't interest my friends, I can't help but tell them because really, that's what I remember. I guess I'm just not used to it - that I can't recall our conversation. I also considered the possibility that I wasn't interested with her stories but, I don't think that's it. At one point, I was looking at her and I thought, does this mean I'm loving her less?

It sucks when I think this way. I want to think free - free of doubts, free of fear, free of bad memories. It's hard to do that. It's hard to reach that stage.

Then people would say all these profound things about accepting, moving on, growing up, forgiving etc. Believe me, I've done everything I could think of to find a solution. I just want to feel okay. I want to stop worrying and geting hurt and worrying about getting hurt and getting hurt because I worry.

I want to stop thinking if this is right, if by doing this I look like a fool, if I deserve it, if I'm doing it right, if my efforts are not enough, if I'm not enough... whatever. I want to wake up and go to sleep each day with peace and confidence that later or tom I won't end up crying and feeling crappy. I want to try to be ok and actually achieve that.

I want to stop thinking about this. If could just stop feeling. If could just choose to respond to things that are purely pleasant and ignore those that bring uncertainty into my life.

You know, sometimes you just want it to be sunny without any effort, without any side effects and without any deep history.

The Expectations - Reality at it's Worst

I've been thinking and planning for days. Playing those scenes in my mind over and over again. It should have been a week from now but last week there came a "good news". Yup, it was moved today. It was all good at first until I knew that Kuya's exam actually starts today. Then, that I had fever, then sore throat, then dry cough! Then, that we might have to go to Cubao this afternoon for my cousins. THEN, THAT MY DAD WOULD NOT GO TO WORK EARLY BECAUSE HE HAS TO DRIVE MY BROTHER AND MY MOM TO THE STATION FIRST. And yes, he was the first one to wake up. I don't know why on earth couldn't he just move faster. He just have to take a damn shower and put on a shirt, pants and a pair of shoes with a pair of socks. JUST THAT SIMPLE and he couldn't do it fast. So there goes days of planning. Argh. I'm so disappointed. Why? Why now? I mean, of all days that this could all happen, why now? I'm so upset it makes me want to cry. Some people are just plain worse than me, but they don't get this, do they? I'm up at fucking 730 a.m. ranting! And blogging by the way.

I'm in this quest of finding the best solution to a long-running problem. I should've numbered them one by one to know how many times I've failed to execute my plans.

Plan # unidentified (2010): Maybe I'd see you on Wednesdays, need not be every week, and make it a point to be pleasant and nice to each other. When we're together, it's as if we're together. When we're not together, we're not together. How's that?

I've done a lot of thinking. When I think I know what option would hurt least, I try to go for it. It would work, until it hurts. I then find another option - it would work, until it hurts. It would always feel good, until it hits me - it's another night in my room with tight grips on my pillow just so I won't sound like a crying kid who can't sleep but can't watch cartoons either.

Sometimes, things get so superficial that it hurts like hell tonight but I'll be too lazy to think of it tomorrow.

I haven't done anything productive today. Signing off.

Speed

Things happen so fast. How fast should it happen? When you say you need time, it takes time - how much time do you really need? How much time before other people say "That's too much" I really don't know.
I take too much time in moving on. I have a hard time forgetting. It's really difficult for me. Now, I hope and pray things happen fast enough (not that days would go by faster, I mean things happen everyday that no day is wasted) so I can outgrow negative thoughts that linger in my head every night.
I hope things would go the way I want them to. Yun lang. I want to leave all these hate behind. People suck. I have to accept that. They don't think, feel, and I act like I do. Ok? I have to deal with that. I have to learn how to deal with that.
I hope someday, when I look at you, I'd remember only the good things.