I can say I'm in a low point in my life right now. Recent events were tough and simply put, I made me feel a range of feelings from anger to loneliness to hopelessness to emptiness. Yes, all in the negative side of the spectrum. Just this Thursday I consulted with my professor for my thesis proposal. She did not get it; she did not like the topic as well. Again I felt stupid for not getting things right; scared that I might end up failing. I have failed enough the past month in terms of my relationship with someone. Normally, I would not feel I failed but when that someone just lost her love for me, I started to become a failure again just like when she cheated on me, I failed to keep her in love with me.
Going back to my thesis, I was puzzled all day, very much worried. Wifi at CMC disappointed me. My brother borrowed my laptop to do his assignment and I was left waiting, doing nothing because all my files are saved in Q. He even asked me "Kelan mo ba kailangan yan?" Meaning when will I have to submit whatever I'm doing. Then added "Kasi deadline ko nagyon." It made me furious. Why in the world was he playing Mafia Wars when I got home?
People seldom think of others. It makes my head spin. I sat at my bed, texting. She asked me "Sobrang badtrip ka ba?" I answered "I don't even know."; because I don't. I don't know what to think of, what to feel, how to react. I felt worn out. I just wanted to keep steady. I was almost numb. I read messages on my sent items. That's just not how I feel, I just tried to explain that people should think and think ahead so they wouldn't be burdens to other people. I do not know what I really feel.
I said i wanted things over. I want this stage over. I'm thinking of "In time... I will..." But I'm thinking twice. Will I forget how these affected me? Will things ever change? Will I ever trust? Will I get myself back? In time?
Painting: The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali
