Recently, I decided not to go home to Cubao. I felt like it was a complicated place to live in. My mom's not there, Tito's sick, no internet to divert me etc. I did not want to add on to the burdens of the household. I do not know why, but it just became depressing.
I used get off from work and I pass by my uncle's room and we chat, sometimes for more than an hour. I see how bored he is. I see him not being able to stand up. Then I remember about 6 months ago he was so strong and healthy. I get pissed.
Sometimes when I'm so tired I resent that I have to visit him instead of hitting the sack. Sometimes I want to buy things but I can't because I feel guilty spending money that could help him buy his meds. I feel sorry for him and I feel bad about myself.
We have a very close relationship with the extended family. My dad's side to be specific. My dad has 3 siblings, all of them do not have kids. I fear that when they get old I would not be able to provide for them.
Results of the LAE came out early this month. It was not a surprise that I did not pass. At the time I decided to push through the application, I thought "why not take the LAE? So when people ask me why I didn't pursue law school I could just answer I did not pass." For a time I got tired answering the question and getting that "what if" statements.
Now I realized, I'm so good at making messed up decisions. Coming from a middle-middle class family with a lot of sickness history, I should have set a plan with this life early on.
I woke up this morning so confused and irritated because I do not know what to do with my life. I failed the LAE, was not able to apply for grad school, don't have enough time for the Thurs deadline for Henri's suggestion. I have not accomplished anything because up to now, I do not have a clear plan.
I'm getting scared. They try not to involve us so much on these family problems. The problem is that we are. Sooner or later we would have to face these, handle these, take care of these things. I should be capable. I have to have a plan.
