Maybe just before this year ends, I'll realize there's a little more room for a little more drama.

Just this evening, of all the other evenings, I forgot my phone at our house in Cubao. My mom's office mate's dad died this morning. I wore a red shirt today and after spending some time in Divisoria this afternoon I decided to put my jeans in the laundry basket and to wear shorts instead. I wasn't dressed appropriately for a wake. That's why when they told me we'd pay a visit to the dead, I rushed to the extra room where all my clothes are and changed. There, I left my cell phone. We weren't even 500 meters away when I realized I had no phone but then, I decided not to go back for it since I've caused enough delay already.

After the visit, my dad suggested we eat somewhere in accordance to the ritual of making "pagpag" after being in a wake. We were all not in the mood to take in more food; I could've just said we go back to Stanford for my phone but I didn't.

When I got home and went on line, I thought of what to post as my Facebook status and this was what came out of my mind:

I forgot my phone. Maybe it's a sign? :)

Yes, with a :) I was trying to make myself feel better because really, I've been thinking of a message from you, or maybe wishing. Christmas came, I managed not to make a move. But just this morning, I was almost sure I can't stand it anymore. I said to myself "Just an email and that's it. Short but meaningful and that's it. I won't say a word if you send a reply."

I forgot my phone, jokingly I asked "is it a sign?" and damnit this happened. Of all days I've waited, it had to happen tonight. My head says loud and clear "it's a sign!" but something in me tells me "what the fuck, you can't stand it in the first place so don't play confused" And really, I don't know. It's just a message, it's just a simple greeting. For old times sake or just to avoid being labeled bitter or whatever. Then again, I've worked so hard to keep myself away from you. For you to not know anything about me. I once failed when I met up with Bea and I told myself, it would be the last thing I'd do to ruin these walls I'm building between us.

I told Pam I'm scared to get hurt with what you might say. If you tell me you're doing fine and you're happy already, it might break my heart. If you tell me you miss me, it would tear me apart. If you tell me anything between those lines or nothing at all, I'd still feel the same shit.

I wish my mind would take a different direction soon. One where I become both peaceful and happy.