Ayoko na Mag-isip ng Sagot

Back in college:

Dad: "Pagkatapos mo gumraduate, bahala ka na gawin mo gusto mo."

Just last night: (After watching Live AIDS)

Mom: "Tapos ka na mag-aral, di mo na kailangan yan, diversion lang yan... etc etc etc"

HA??? Ano daw? Di nga? May point ba?

Mom: "Hindi mo ko naiintindihan..." "Maiintindihan mo ko pag naging magulang ka na."

Ako kaya naintindihan nyo? Isa pa, wala yata ako plano magka-anak. Pagod na ko. Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Pera lang sana, pera na lang kailangan ko. Para makatulong sa inyo, para magkaron ng lugar na sa'kin lang, para mas simple ang mga bagay.

There's more to living than being alive.

Pag may gustong gusto kang makuha na tingin ng iba hindi para sayo tapos nakuha mo, inaabangan ng lahat ng tao yung panahon na sasabihin mo, hindi pala ganon kadali o kasaya yun.

Kunyari yung pinsan ko na ayaw lumipat sa LA dahil nandun lahat ng pamilya nya. Gusto nya i-try sa Florida kasi siguro (sabi ng tatay ko) ayaw nya na pinapakialaman sya/sila ng pamilya nya. Nung pinanganak yung anak nya at nahirapan sya mag alaga, sabi ng matatanda, yan na nga ba, ayaw pa nya dun, tingnan nyo hindi rin sya tumagal sa Florida. Wow! Tama sila! Another victory para sa mga tanders! Sa mga bata na nahihirapan at humihingi ng tulong sa mga magulang, hindi ko alam ang tawag satin. Kawawa? Hindi naman siguro. Mahirap lang, mahirap yung may gusto ka at di mo magawa kaya kailangan mo ng tulong, kaya kailangan isipin nila mali ka. Mali ba yung gustuhin mong mabuhay ayon sa gusto mo? Mali bang gustuhin mong magdesisyon para sa sarili mo? Tapos kapag dependent ka naman sa mga magulang/kamag-anak sasabihin naman nila tamad ka, wala kang sariling desisyon. Lalo na pag lalaki, sasabihin nila "wala to, hindi marunong" Gusto nila yung tamang tama lang. Yung kailangan mo sila pero wag kang abuso. Tama naman db? Pag naging successful at independent ka very proud sila. Dun lang. Dun ka lang masusunod sa buhay mo ng walang nega. Dun lang. Kelan pa kayo yun para sakin? Kasi lumipas na ang HS at ang College. Tumatanda na ko, hindi ko na kaya magtry ng mga bagong bagay, yung mga kaibigan ko tapos na sa phase na gusto kong subukan. Nakakatakot na baka kapag may resources at "right" na kong magdesisyon at mabuhay ayon sa gusto ko, tapos na; nalipasan na ko nga panahon.

Hindi ko naranasan yung outing/sleepover ng barkada tapos papasok sa Lunes ng pagod pero sobrang saya. Hindi ko naranasan yung all out na magccontribute para sa extra curricular activity na tipong walang tulog at walang uwi, hindi ko naransan na biglang lumayo pag gusto ko mapag-isa lang o magpalipas ng problema kasama ang kaibigan pag pakiramdam ko wala ako magawa. Marami akong di nagawa, na gusto ko sanang gawin. Kaya yung utak ko kung san san pumupunta. Napupunta sa mga bagay na di ko magawa kahit sa mga bagay na hindi ko gusto gawin.

Tumatanda akong nanghihinayang sa mga panahong nawala, nabubuhay ako na walang magawa kundi isipin kung kelan ko kaya mababawi yung mga panahon na sana parang normal na tao lang ako. Habang tumatagal, nagiging masama ang pakiramdam ko tungkol sa buhay ko. Na minsan gusto kong maging masaya sa bahay pero wala akong gana kasi lagi naman ako nandito at walang magawa. Minsan gusto ko magkwento sa mga kaibigan pero wala ako makwento kasi wala naman akong nararanasan na magandang i-share sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung anong maganda sakin kasi parang ang flat ng nga bagay, walang character. Kaya wala. Sino na ba talaga ko after 22 yrs? Ako yung taong laging nasa bahay, hindi close sa magulang, walang masabi sa mga usapan, wala masyadong maipagmalaki, nakukuntento dahil di maghihirap pero yun na lang yun.

Hindi ako nag-effprt mag-aral kasi yun lang ang consuelo ko. Yung malaman sa sarili ko na kahit masarap ang tulog ko sa gabi pumapasa ko habang yung iba laging ngang masaya bagsak naman. Yun lang ang spontaneous sa buhay ko - pag aaral. Dun ko lang kayang sabihin na "bahala na" na di masabi pag may lakad kasi laging "hindi ako pwede" lang ang kaya king isagot.

Kaya ayun.

You, people!

It's amazing to know how people are connected.

Background: T's friend, E (who was my crush back in 06), interviewed me last week.

Just in 5 minutes:
E, interviewed me with 3 other BDAs.
B is friends with my (then) close friend from HS L.
M has a sibling that is a friend of the one who interviewed me for a school project (docu in one of her film classes), T (another).

It's also actually interesting to know how people are NOT, connected anymore. Common friends with T? I, who's the only guy in our group (06 batch) and C, a former group mate who took the same course as T. Where are all the girls? I guess, they're distant enough not to know T has a Facebook account. Sigh.

Anti BV

When I think about how you're mean and awful a lot of times and I want not to focus on that, I think of how I love holding your hand in the movies.
When I think about you not wanting me that much, I think of how sad it is if you leave this country or whatever (I don't want to type that =/ right?)

You think when you're bored

I forgot to share some stories, actually most of them, when I was with her yesterday. I also did not want to react to certain things. I'm not sure if it was just low energy, a bit disappointment bec we didn't catch the 7pm show, or I was just really playing passive on purpose. The movie was the highlight. I don't remember saying anything or hearing anything that's special. We held hands for a long time, that's what I always love. Actually, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy and love the night at all. I guess it was just a bit weird that don't remember the conversation. Plus, usually when we go out, I always have something to share with friends, something that she said in particular. That's how I pay attention when she speaks, that's how I remember her words. Even things that won't interest my friends, I can't help but tell them because really, that's what I remember. I guess I'm just not used to it - that I can't recall our conversation. I also considered the possibility that I wasn't interested with her stories but, I don't think that's it. At one point, I was looking at her and I thought, does this mean I'm loving her less?

It sucks when I think this way. I want to think free - free of doubts, free of fear, free of bad memories. It's hard to do that. It's hard to reach that stage.

Then people would say all these profound things about accepting, moving on, growing up, forgiving etc. Believe me, I've done everything I could think of to find a solution. I just want to feel okay. I want to stop worrying and geting hurt and worrying about getting hurt and getting hurt because I worry.

I want to stop thinking if this is right, if by doing this I look like a fool, if I deserve it, if I'm doing it right, if my efforts are not enough, if I'm not enough... whatever. I want to wake up and go to sleep each day with peace and confidence that later or tom I won't end up crying and feeling crappy. I want to try to be ok and actually achieve that.

I want to stop thinking about this. If could just stop feeling. If could just choose to respond to things that are purely pleasant and ignore those that bring uncertainty into my life.

You know, sometimes you just want it to be sunny without any effort, without any side effects and without any deep history.

The Expectations - Reality at it's Worst

I've been thinking and planning for days. Playing those scenes in my mind over and over again. It should have been a week from now but last week there came a "good news". Yup, it was moved today. It was all good at first until I knew that Kuya's exam actually starts today. Then, that I had fever, then sore throat, then dry cough! Then, that we might have to go to Cubao this afternoon for my cousins. THEN, THAT MY DAD WOULD NOT GO TO WORK EARLY BECAUSE HE HAS TO DRIVE MY BROTHER AND MY MOM TO THE STATION FIRST. And yes, he was the first one to wake up. I don't know why on earth couldn't he just move faster. He just have to take a damn shower and put on a shirt, pants and a pair of shoes with a pair of socks. JUST THAT SIMPLE and he couldn't do it fast. So there goes days of planning. Argh. I'm so disappointed. Why? Why now? I mean, of all days that this could all happen, why now? I'm so upset it makes me want to cry. Some people are just plain worse than me, but they don't get this, do they? I'm up at fucking 730 a.m. ranting! And blogging by the way.

I'm in this quest of finding the best solution to a long-running problem. I should've numbered them one by one to know how many times I've failed to execute my plans.

Plan # unidentified (2010): Maybe I'd see you on Wednesdays, need not be every week, and make it a point to be pleasant and nice to each other. When we're together, it's as if we're together. When we're not together, we're not together. How's that?

I've done a lot of thinking. When I think I know what option would hurt least, I try to go for it. It would work, until it hurts. I then find another option - it would work, until it hurts. It would always feel good, until it hits me - it's another night in my room with tight grips on my pillow just so I won't sound like a crying kid who can't sleep but can't watch cartoons either.

Sometimes, things get so superficial that it hurts like hell tonight but I'll be too lazy to think of it tomorrow.

I haven't done anything productive today. Signing off.

Speed

Things happen so fast. How fast should it happen? When you say you need time, it takes time - how much time do you really need? How much time before other people say "That's too much" I really don't know.
I take too much time in moving on. I have a hard time forgetting. It's really difficult for me. Now, I hope and pray things happen fast enough (not that days would go by faster, I mean things happen everyday that no day is wasted) so I can outgrow negative thoughts that linger in my head every night.
I hope things would go the way I want them to. Yun lang. I want to leave all these hate behind. People suck. I have to accept that. They don't think, feel, and I act like I do. Ok? I have to deal with that. I have to learn how to deal with that.
I hope someday, when I look at you, I'd remember only the good things.