Just reblogging for Blogger :)
So you see, the universe is not so bad after all.
On Family:
My uncle's operation went well. I did not know what to say when I saw him.
A year ago, I bought a bike and asked him to teach me. He went to QC Circle every morning to jog. Waking up early always felt like a punishment for me so I got to go with him only twice. By June, I got a job and thought, "well, maybe some other time".
And then he got sick again. His leg got infected and now, it's gone. I feel deeply sorry for all the mornings I've wasted.
My dad handed his wife the death certificate, she said "kailangan pa ba nito? parang nakakatakot naman". It may sound and look morbid, it may give you goosebumps, signing a death certificate of someone (someone's leg to be exact) who's still alive makes you fear his/her death even more. But it needs to be done.
A part of him died.
He raised his right limb and held on to his thighs. Below his knee was the bondage. And then nothing. It breaks my heart seeing that a part of him died.
Amputation is such a hard way of saving a life. Yet I find relief in the fact that he is still alive. At the end of the day, we are all thankful that he's still fighting with us.
On Work:
Some people put more value in work relationships than work itself. I now find myself in the list of those "some people". I haven't been working for a long time, people might think I don't know anything about office politics and I still have the hang of college optimism, and stuff. You know, that I'm still just a "kid".
Well kids, this is just my humble opinion:
I came to realize that in a work place, ranking is a mere title just as salary is a mere figure; but character - character is the real measure of pride. I stand by people who, I know, are working hard, do not kiss ass, do not act for themselves at the expense of others, do not use their position to pick favorites, to bring down rivals, and to abuse things and people "under their authority". I have seen people do ugly things - things that are unnecessary, unfair, and worse, unethical.
I am just happy that I share bottles of beer with real people.
On Myself:
I still do not know what to do with myself. I still don't have a plan and it scares me. I'm still not an overachiever, or maybe, not yet an achiever at all. Surprisingly though, I am motivated. I think I'm done with the self-pity, I-am-a-meaningless-mediocre-person stage. So yeah, cheers!
On a Lighter Note:
Keep me diverted. I'm enjoying it. :)
I have known from my mom this afternoon that my uncle's right leg would be amputated. The family fought to save that leg.
Recently, I decided not to go home to Cubao. I felt like it was a complicated place to live in. My mom's not there, Tito's sick, no internet to divert me etc. I did not want to add on to the burdens of the household. I do not know why, but it just became depressing.
I used get off from work and I pass by my uncle's room and we chat, sometimes for more than an hour. I see how bored he is. I see him not being able to stand up. Then I remember about 6 months ago he was so strong and healthy. I get pissed.
Sometimes when I'm so tired I resent that I have to visit him instead of hitting the sack. Sometimes I want to buy things but I can't because I feel guilty spending money that could help him buy his meds. I feel sorry for him and I feel bad about myself.
We have a very close relationship with the extended family. My dad's side to be specific. My dad has 3 siblings, all of them do not have kids. I fear that when they get old I would not be able to provide for them.
Results of the LAE came out early this month. It was not a surprise that I did not pass. At the time I decided to push through the application, I thought "why not take the LAE? So when people ask me why I didn't pursue law school I could just answer I did not pass." For a time I got tired answering the question and getting that "what if" statements.
Now I realized, I'm so good at making messed up decisions. Coming from a middle-middle class family with a lot of sickness history, I should have set a plan with this life early on.
I woke up this morning so confused and irritated because I do not know what to do with my life. I failed the LAE, was not able to apply for grad school, don't have enough time for the Thurs deadline for Henri's suggestion. I have not accomplished anything because up to now, I do not have a clear plan.
I'm getting scared. They try not to involve us so much on these family problems. The problem is that we are. Sooner or later we would have to face these, handle these, take care of these things. I should be capable. I have to have a plan.
I used to feel so low and bored to death on Sunday afternoons. It was like a tormenting event I had to go through every week. I kind of miss those Sundays.
My brother’s going to have his graduation picture taken next week. 3rd year in Med School.
I can’t believe how time goes by so fast when you’re past 20. I remember whining and telling people I did not want to go to law school because I was already tired of studying.
Here I am now, forcing myself to sleep because I would have to go to work tom., doing a job I do not even like. I ask myself over and over again, “What have I done with my life?” I spent my childhood wanting to become a doctor. But everything changed.
I became me. Where did this come from? How did I get myself to this? The biggest question though, is “How do I get out of this?”
I think I forgot to grow up.
Valentine's Day is 30 minutes away. I don't have anyone at the moment. Can't say that this is the first time I'll be spending it alone. People are going to be happy and bitter and some would be unaffected.
I have a happy heart. I do not want to elaborate why. (It's not because of another person ok?)
It's as if I found a better, clearer viewfinder. It's as if I saw colors I never knew existed. It's not something fancy, nothing close to being grand. hmm. It's like sitting on a bench at the football field late in the afternoon, cold and soothing breeze, after having a bad day.
No rants, just gratitude.
This is my first post with a "happy" tag. I've been blogging for years and I'm surprised, I do not have a "happy" tag. So here, ending the day with all good vibes!
:)
Labels:
goodtimes,
soy,
thematerialworld
I have been very kuripot on myself for the past six months. I spent so much last December. Bought gifts for friends and family, ate out a lot, took cabs whenever I went somewhere and of course shopped for myself - finally. Aside from clothes (I only bought cheap ones), I spent my money on shoes. I bought 3 pairs in a span of a month. I had ordered the red Oxfords at Glenmore (it looks kinda pink on the picture, bad camera!), bought the Slamjam design of B-Sides from Sueno de Espadrilles (the classics were always as in ALWAYS out of stock), and bought the Cat in the Hat Dr. Seuss Chuck Taylors from Converse out of impulse (I got the size 3, biggest size for kids. I bought a cheap black espadrilles and a thong slippers (like one of those with beads you would usually wear on summers, idk what they're called) at Greenhills last week. Yey! Oh I'm one happy kid.
I'm thinking of Glenmore's boat shoes and Renegade/PabDer loafers. Mmm. :)
