Feb 26, 2011

I have known from my mom this afternoon that my uncle's right leg would be amputated. The family fought to save that leg.

Recently, I decided not to go home to Cubao. I felt like it was a complicated place to live in. My mom's not there, Tito's sick, no internet to divert me etc. I did not want to add on to the burdens of the household. I do not know why, but it just became depressing.

I used get off from work and I pass by my uncle's room and we chat, sometimes for more than an hour. I see how bored he is. I see him not being able to stand up. Then I remember about 6 months ago he was so strong and healthy. I get pissed.

Sometimes when I'm so tired I resent that I have to visit him instead of hitting the sack. Sometimes I want to buy things but I can't because I feel guilty spending money that could help him buy his meds. I feel sorry for him and I feel bad about myself.

We have a very close relationship with the extended family. My dad's side to be specific. My dad has 3 siblings, all of them do not have kids. I fear that when they get old I would not be able to provide for them.

Results of the LAE came out early this month. It was not a surprise that I did not pass. At the time I decided to push through the application, I thought "why not take the LAE? So when people ask me why I didn't pursue law school I could just answer I did not pass." For a time I got tired answering the question and getting that "what if" statements.

Now I realized, I'm so good at making messed up decisions. Coming from a middle-middle class family with a lot of sickness history, I should have set a plan with this life early on.

I woke up this morning so confused and irritated because I do not know what to do with my life. I failed the LAE, was not able to apply for grad school, don't have enough time for the Thurs deadline for Henri's suggestion. I have not accomplished anything because up to now, I do not have a clear plan.

I'm getting scared. They try not to involve us so much on these family problems. The problem is that we are. Sooner or later we would have to face these, handle these, take care of these things. I should be capable. I have to have a plan.

Ashton on Romance and Technology

I wonder how things would be like in 10 years. :)

I had a post similar to this at Multiply. Years after, this love and technology thing still makes me wonder.

Sunday Thoughts

I used to feel so low and bored to death on Sunday afternoons. It was like a tormenting event I had to go through every week. I kind of miss those Sundays.

My brother’s going to have his graduation picture taken next week. 3rd year in Med School.

I can’t believe how time goes by so fast when you’re past 20. I remember whining and telling people I did not want to go to law school because I was already tired of studying.

Here I am now, forcing myself to sleep because I would have to go to work tom., doing a job I do not even like. I ask myself over and over again, “What have I done with my life?” I spent my childhood wanting to become a doctor. But everything changed.

I became me. Where did this come from? How did I get myself to this? The biggest question though, is “How do I get out of this?”

I think I forgot to grow up.

Having a Happy Heart

Valentine's Day is 30 minutes away. I don't have anyone at the moment. Can't say that this is the first time I'll be spending it alone. People are going to be happy and bitter and some would be unaffected.

I have a happy heart. I do not want to elaborate why. (It's not because of another person ok?)

It's as if I found a better, clearer viewfinder. It's as if I saw colors I never knew existed. It's not something fancy, nothing close to being grand. hmm. It's like sitting on a bench at the football field late in the afternoon, cold and soothing breeze, after having a bad day.

No rants, just gratitude.

This is my first post with a "happy" tag. I've been blogging for years and I'm surprised, I do not have a "happy" tag. So here, ending the day with all good vibes!

:)

Shoes! :)

I have been very kuripot on myself for the past six months. I spent so much last December. Bought gifts for friends and family, ate out a lot, took cabs whenever I went somewhere and of course shopped for myself - finally. Aside from clothes (I only bought cheap ones), I spent my money on shoes. I bought 3 pairs in a span of a month. I had ordered the red Oxfords at Glenmore (it looks kinda pink on the picture, bad camera!), bought the Slamjam design of B-Sides from Sueno de Espadrilles (the classics were always as in ALWAYS out of stock), and bought the Cat in the Hat Dr. Seuss Chuck Taylors from Converse out of impulse (I got the size 3, biggest size for kids. I bought a cheap black espadrilles and a thong slippers (like one of those with beads you would usually wear on summers, idk what they're called) at Greenhills last week. Yey!

Oh I'm one happy kid.

I'm thinking of Glenmore's boat shoes and Renegade/PabDer loafers. Mmm. :)

Walang Ibang Masasabi Kundi tHaNkz PoWz

This, I wrote on Dec. 31, 2010

Sa pagtatapos ng 2010 nais kong magpasalamat sa lahat ng tao at bagay (hayop, lugar, at pangyayari) na bumuo sa akin sa nakaraang taon.

Sa mga taong kahit makailang palit na ng kalendaryo ay nariyan pa rin.

Sa mga taong umalis na at hindi ko na alam ang nangyari sa kanila.

Sa mga taong umalis na pero walang sawang nakikipag-text, fb chat/comment, tweet, ym, o skype (miss ko na kayo).

At sa mga taong bagong dating sa buhay ko.

Sa lahat ng nakakairita, nakakapagod, at nakakasawang pangyayari.

Sa lahat ng mga bagay na nakapagpangiti sa akin.

Sa lahat ng pag-unawa, papuri, pag-puna, panghihikayat, at higit sa lahat, hindi pag-pansin sa akin kapag kailangan kong mapag-isa.

Kay Kobe na nagbibigay saya sa aming pamilya ngayong holidays. Sana gumaling na ang amo mo pero sana amin ka na lang din!

Masaya ako dahil may mga bagay na matagal ko ng iniisip at finally nangyari na. Hindi man naging maganda ang daan sa paglalakbay ngayong taon, ang importante ay narating ko ang finish line ng maligaya at may peace of mind. Ibang klase ng sense of accomplishment na baon ko sa pag-iwan sa 2010. May dala-dala akong saya, pag-asa, at matinding excitement sa pagpasok ng 2011. :)

At siyempre, bago ko pindutin ang "Publish" ay ginawa ko muna ang symbolical na pag-aalis ng agiw sa aking silid.

Maligayang pagsalubong sa baong taon!

P.S. Yung iba hindi ko na na-tag kasi di naman aktib sa pesbuk or hindi mahilig sa mga notes-notes na ganito hehe

P.S.

This blog I posted days after Christmas 2010

Before I mark the and of this amazing week, I think I owe some words for my blog (I’d transfer this to blogspot as soon as I remember my password :p)

For six months, I have felt that 2010 has been the worst year of my life. I would often feel so depressed that I would wonder, in the morning when I’m on my way to work, “Would a bus finally run over me this morning?”

I know, I’m one of those “heavy” people that most humans belittle. I’m not heavy in a deep way, I’m more of the emotionally wrecked type. And really, after all this time, I still have “emotion” on my priority list.

Just recently, I have admitted to my officemates slash new friends that I am gay. (which is quite a given in my opinion). They haven’t asked me about my current relationship status but Reg, one of the new ones in the office, is the only person who has an idea on this.

I refrained from answering Carlo’s queries about my past (since I have told him that I am currently single) and it makes him think that I’m still hurt/affected. It’s kind of funny when he tries to bully me into spilling the beans like “Siguro affected ka kaya ayaw mo pag-usapan” or “If you’re over that person, edi dapat wala lang sayo kahit pag-usapan sya”

I feel like my past relationship happened years ago. IDK exactly why. And yes, I think, it still has some effect on me. I guess I can’t help it since it has been a part of my life. I have held on to it for 1/3 of the years I’ve lived here on Earth.

But it feels weird, not feeling strongly about that person. IT FEELS SO WEIRD. It’s like not wanting potatoes, it’s like not missing home, it’s like I’m not me anymore.

Since 2008, I have often thought of how it feels to reach this stage. Sometimes, at the peak of disappointments, I yearn for numbness just to be able to leave my long running soap.

I can’t explain how different this feels. I’d like to think it’s just maturity or as they say, growing up. I don’t like to see this as numbness. I guess, I feel bad that I didn’t have that ability to make this certain person happy or fall in love deeply. I have tried, for seven years, and this new person comes into her life and I feel that she, the new girlfriend, has done way better than I did. In so many ways, I have felt bad - pride, jealousy, self pity, regret, incompetence, etc etc etc I thought of it a hundred times but then I asked myself, “If given the chance, would you want to make it up to her?” and I felt tiredness. I do not want to measure up to anyone or anything anymore.

Until I stopped worrying. I stopped thinking that I should join the bandwagon on moving on. That you have to be happy and you have to be able to be friends or talk about your ex without your nostrils showing up. That you have to have someone to replace the one who left you. That you have to try not to look sad in a way that people will try to associate your sadness to being single.

The last time I saw her, I admit I was not able to look into her eyes straight. Being in front of her made me feel uncomfortable. It was like having lunch with a new co-worker for the first time or meeting a friend of a friend where they talk and you’re obliged to listen. I kind of felt sad that I was there, sitting in front of someone I used to love so dearly, but at that moment, all I felt was awkwardness; as if I’m in front of someone I do not know. It feels so different to see her after a long time and not feel that longing emotion.

When we were younger, I was sure that I wanted to be friends with her if we break up. I wanted to be her best friend. I wanted us to remain special. I don’t know why I stopped wanting to be part of her life. I hated her for neglecting me as a lover but now I feel like I’m allowing myself to throw a part of me away.

I have the guts to blog because a year has just ended. But after this, there’ll be no reason to write about love and relationships. (mmm, that’s so pessimistic, let me try to rephrase) After this, I might not be able to write about love and relationships the way I used to.

I do feel more at peace right now that I do not have to worry about pleasing someone or analyzing each word and monitoring the possibility of cheating etc. I do feel lonely at times when I’m so tired and I couldn’t turn to someone so I could feel warm and fuzzy.

I guess, it feels weird for me not to be in love. I have been holding on to that feeling for seven long-sometimes-happy-sometimes-sad years.

Now, I just want to buy shoes or eat out. Go home early, worry about the family. I’d like to think this does not mean I’m empty. I think I just, finally, followed that change of heart.

This is the longest P.S. I’ve written. I think a 7 year relationship deserves a nice ending but I think it’s just not a priority in our lives right now. This is what I can give as I close this chapter (ngayon lang pala magco-close? late bloomer lang haha) - my sincere and honest words.

In 2011, there’ll be new tags on my blogger account.

:)